Welcome to this week’s installment of Can’t Care, Moviejawn’s weekly roundup of all the entertainment news we just can’t care about.
In this special edition of Can't Care we're saying NO to a few choice movie trailers.
Francis Friel, The Projectionist
Are you serious with this shit? Cause this shit is some BULL. SHIT.
How many monsters do we need? How will this possibly be interesting? That's my question. I want a list of all the possibilities available that could ever make this an interesting movie. We have:
-women in distress
-a helpful man who I bet isn't all that helpful
-a big slime monster
-they escape (it's right there in the trailer) and think they're safe but the slime thing follows them home
-probably some The Village twist happening with this
There is nothing here. Literally nothing. Monsters aren't interesting. They COULD be, though! How 'bout a monster with no recognizably humanoid features? No giant mouth. No eyes. No arms and legs. I don't know. Or go super weird with it. It has OVER SEVEN HUNDRED MOUTHS and has TWENTY MILE-LONG ARMS. Fuck, dorks. Do something different. It's a horror movie. Get weird. Horror movies don't even try anymore. Fucking MONSTER movies. FUCK 'EM. Absolutely can't care.
*Note - I'm still on a bender from having seen INFERNO last night so I think any movie trailer I would've watched would've made me want to jump off the Vatican. But still, f this s.
Rosalie Kicks!, Old Sport
At first I got excited when I saw KEANU was in this...that kitten is just too damn precious. But then the doors opened and they revealed Neo. Christ, what a let down. THE ONE in another lawyery movie with an actress who has been MIA for years. Literally six f'n years. Oh yea and then there is Jim Belushi - cause yea, he is really going to put asses in the seats. And oh they are going to have an entangled love story and the kid really didn't kill his dad even though there were fingerprints all over the knife and blah blah blah.
Why was this made?
Come on Hollywood, did you really just authorize the making of a long winded SVU episode? Honestly, I am really starting to think that you are trying to just destroy the world of movies as we know it. Piles like this make me think The Projectionist is correct: Movies. Dead Medium.
And to think this is the opportunity you give to a lady who made Frozen River?! A movie that drops next week, that no one knows about it. Way to go Hollywood. I love how you keep all these talented ladies locked away and just as we forget about them you provide them with the "privilege" of directing a pile. Way to go old sport!
Jaime Davis, The Fixer
I hate to be a hater (nah, I don't) but Miles Teller's face is enough to send me into a tailspin of rage. Tailspin of Rageeeee! I don't know what it is about him, except that he kindaaaa resembles a girl I used to be way into who ended up being one of the most horrible people on the planet. But that's a story for another day. And a totally different zine, I guess. And not entirely Miles Teller's fault? But I'm gonna hate on him anyway. Miles, I hate your stupid movie star face!
And I hate everything about this boring trailer for yet another boring boxing redemption story. I liked this movie when it was called All the Rocky Movies. I liked this movie when it was called The Fighter. Southpaw. Million Dollar Baby. Girlfight. Somebody Up There Likes Me. Champion. The Champ. Fat City. Raging Bull. And honestly, I don't think we need any more boxing movies after Creed. Because that movie is just the freakin best. So take your stupid 'stache and stupid boxer buff body and get right outta town, Miles Teller! I ain't got time for this shit.