Welcome to this week’s installment of Can’t Care, Moviejawn’s weekly roundup of all the entertainment news we just can’t care about. In this special edition, we focus our gaze on Jeremy Renner and all his general vanilla-ness. MJ crew members offer their take on how Renner became, like, a thing in Hollywood.
Francis Friel, The Projectionist
11 Quick facts about Jeremy Renner
1. Was born in a convent.
2. Has no middle name.
3. No one has ever seen his right ankle (why?)
4. Not his original face.
5. Records indicate has a twin brother who mysteriously dropped off the map sometime in the mid-90s.
6. Hates THE SOPRANOS. Won't stop talking about how much he hates that show.
7. Is barred from obtaining a passport (why?)
8. Doesn't have a blood type.
9. Known heterosexual.
10. "Doesn't understand" Lego.
11. Really good neighbor. Quiet, keeps to himself.
Rosalie Kicks!, Old Sport
When Jeremy Renner arrived in Hollywood he was taking any and every opportunity he could get his hands on. First landing numerous uncredited roles until he found his true calling: action star stand in.
Standing came so easy to him. There was really nothing to it. He didn’t have to worry about remembering lines or thinking. He could just stand there.
For years, this guy stood in for all the action star greats: Statham, Stallone, Willis, Cruise. Always standing, always waiting, heart always racing…anticipating his big break. He often wondered if/when the golden moment would come…when a director would point at him and say: “HEY! You, YES! I am talking to you, say this line!” What would he be wearing? How would he be standing: would he be slouched or straight back? Fuck, it didn’t matter. No longer would he just STAND THERE, instead he would be saying something…he would be an ACTOR.
Who knew all that standing would really pay off. Tommy C. was so impressed with Renner’s stiff as a board stance, boring personality, and unattractiveness that he offered him to play second fiddle in Mission Possible: Ghost Protocol. Renner was perfect! He had nothing to offer: couldn’t speak a lick of dialogue, wasn’t really a looker - no one would see him standing there…except he was taller. This was a problem.
No. One. Can. Be. Taller. Than. Tommy. C.
So there was only one solution: Cut his legs. Tommy C. cut Renner’s legs and surgically made him shorter with mind blowing precision. This is how that old sport, Jeremy Renner, got his big break in Hollywood, by snipping his legs. If he wanted to work in this town, he had to pay the price and this case it was small. No one towers over Tommy C., no one.
Jaime Davis, The Fixer
Jeremy Renner used to be in the army and stuff, right? But then he had this dream to open a chain of corner bar-type places, see? Like in malls and stuff? So he moved to LA and made friends with this dude Doug and they became like, THE party bartenders in the city. But then Doug hooked up with Jeremy's lady and all hell broke loose. So Renner did the only thing he could think of: he fled to Jamaica to make umbrella drinks for yoga-pants-clad moms and bikini-clad daughters all...damn...day. And then he met a girl down there, Jordan, who he totally fell ass over pants for and they like frolicked on beaches and shit and I think she thought she might be pregnant? I can't remember. But then Doug showed up (!!!) with his ice queen wife (who wanted to get it with EVERYONEEEE). And Doug got up to his usual shenanigans, betting Jeremy he couldn't bag some wealthy Stella-Gets-Her-Groove-Back type and of course Jeremy, being stupid Jeremy, he takes the bet and Jordan, sweet, supposedly poor Jordan, catches him and she hightails it on the next flight back to LA (the fact that she could afford said flight should have tipped Jeremy off but I'll get to that later). Sigh. So then. Jeremy decides to just keep makin' it with Stella, actually named Bonnie. And she's like real classy and wealthy and stuff. She like wears silk pajamas and shit? That kind of broad. So she whisks Jeremy to her pied–à–terre in LA and she doesn't really want him to work nights anymore so she has him sign up as an extra at Central Casting, so he does. And then Doug commits suicide and his ice queen widow is all sad and tries to get with Jeremy but he is SO NOT HAVING IT! Meanwhile he keeps looking for Jordan, and when he finds her he realizes, SHOCKER, that she comes from a REAL wealthy family. Like Aaron Spelling wealthy. Like, her family's money could buy Bonnie's money a million and one times over. Or something like that. And he keeps trying to pursue Jordan, but Jordan thinks he's just after money and stuff, because like, he's basically Bonnie's Lil' Kept Man, but Jeremy is all 'nah girl I luh you!' And Bonnie sees that she's losing Jeremy so she calls her agent friend who owes her a favor and he gets Jeremy some gigs and Bonnie tells him he can't leave her now but all of a sudden Jordan is all 'I luh you too!' and then Jeremy decides to open up his stupid mall chain bar thing, but the producers on Time of Your Life, that terrible Party of Five / Jennifer Love Hewitt spinoff call him for a bit part and his career takes off forever and ever. And while the spinoff thing did happen, none of that other shit happened because that's really just the basic plot of Cocktail, everyone's fave Tommy C. movie.