Welcome to this week’s installment of Can’t Care, Moviejawn’s weekly roundup of all the entertainment news we just can’t care about.
Francis Friel, The Projectionist
1. Allegiant - the second sequel to what I thought was one of the sloppiest movies of the decade. These YA apocalypse stories are smart to keep them down to three or so installments, though. Cause I was burnt out on them fifteen minutes into the first one.
2. The Killing Joke - they make Alan Moore movies because they know they won't have to pay him. Unbelievable. Doesn't this guy know other comic writers? Can somebody get him on the phone with Bill Watterson? Protect your stuff, dummy!
3. Julia Roberts can't wait to be in a movie called Train Man, which I assume is a Matrix prequel about that Alan Moore-lookin dude who Big Timed Neo in the subway. I think she's gonna play Train Man's mom?
4. Spider-Man - guys, I can't care. Oooooo it's Spider-Man!! He's been in literally FIVE movies and FOUR of them have sucked! Maybe he's just not cut out to be in movies? Is this a possibility? Honestly. Spider-Man? Uggghh. Christ.
5. Tim Burton Directed A New Movie Based On Some Cutesy Goth Tween Bullshit Title That Is Longer Than It Needs To Be - except this guy hasn't directed a movie in years. He hires script writers and maybe kinda sorta tells the production designers where to stick all the twisty gnarly Beetlejuice trees but that's it. Non-issue, this guy. Go back to hibernating in your Louis Vuitton coffin you bought at Bela Lugosi's grand-niece's yard sale.
6. Young Han Solo - Chewie's back for this but Mayhew isn't, so you're gonna be forced to admit that, yeah, it could literally be anyone under there (this was always true). And who's gonna play Young Han Solo??? Uhhhhh I can't care. Whoever. And doesn't it seem like they're dragging their feet a little on this casting decision? We've known about this movie for a year now. Unbelievable... just give somebody the part and get on with it!
Rosalie Kicks!, Old Sport
The Invisible Man: Finally, Hollywood has thought of the perfect role for Johnny Depp! He will star in a movie in which he will be invisible 90% of the time...almost like he isn't there at all! Hollywood, you old sport: Do you really think we won't notice that it is just that silly ole' pirate again? Johnny Depp isn't even fit to tie Claude Rains’ shoes. Hoping this will fall into a pre-production hole and die.
While we are on the topic of monsters...
Who in the HELL! is the monster that decided to cast Tom Cruise in a MUMMY reboot. I am guessing he is playing the part of the mummy. That would be kinda perfect since it does seem about time for him to crawl in the box. Word on the street is that they are looking to have all of the monsters cross over into another's films... you know avengers style. Wake me up when it is over. Cruise and Depp in a film together...can't care. Might as well be watching a zombie flick.
And speaking of zombies...
Did you hear about the NEW Indiana Jones movie that is slated for 2019!!! OMG. A director (that shall not be named) and the star of the film are basically at death's door. Old Sport, this is certainly going to be an interesting one to watch...kinda like a pony race. I'll start taking bets now: who will survive the production.
Jaime Davis, The Fixer
It hasn’t been the best week for Sean Parker and his new venture, Screening Room. Say what you will about eccentric Parker; from Napster to Facebook to Spotify, his crystal ball for evaluating new tech and consumer preferences has been pretty on point so far. And now he’s looking at Hollywood. You better run bitches because he is coming for you. Parker believes the future of movie-going means sitting on your couch, in Robe, eating snax and watching new releases for $50 per film. Wowza. I guess if you’re a family of four (or more) the $50 price tag is small potatoes. Or you can watch with all your best pals and split the cost – makes sense. Screening Room has already attracted the support of Peter Jackson, J.J. Abrams, Steven S*******g, Martin Scorsese, Ron Howard, and Brian Grazer to name a few. But on the flip side, the National Association of Theatre Owners, Art House Convergence, James Cameron, and Christopher Nolan have all pushed back firmly against this new venture. Cameron even went so far as to say he wants to “preserve the sanctity of the in-theater experience.” Ok, everyone, let’s all calm down. Can we all just calm down? Yes, there is something to be said about “the in-theater experience” but the “sanctity”? EVERYONE JUST CALM THE FUCK DOWN. I don’t think Screening Room is going to keep all people away from theaters. There will always be releases that will drive folks to their local AMC or Regal, that’s not going to change. You know what also isn’t going to change? The demand for streaming content in the home. It just is not going away, you guys. Cameron and Nolan are basically like the Taylor Swifts of the movie industry now, and sighhhhh, you guys really exhaust me. Because Taylor Swift eventually gave in to Apple Music. The harder you push back against the changing business model, the more you just look like dinosaur clowns. I am 100% pro-Screening Room at this point, and yep, you guessed it, anti-dinosaur clowns.
So pilot season is really getting me down this year. If you thought there were ZERO original ideas in movies, feel free to point that finger at the television, too. TV Land (which I suppose is a real channel) is developing a comedic series based on Heathers. NOOOOOOO. WHYYYYY. To their credit, it sounds like they’re trying to make it somewhat original by making one of the Heathers a lesbian, another one gender-queer, and the third an average American-sized female. Ok. Fine. Whatever. Why is pilot season so intent on taking movies I love and turning them into episodic drivel?
And in other shitty pilot news, Fox just announced it has cast the leads in their Lethal Weapon tv pilot. Yay? Damon Wayans, Sr. will play Murtaugh, the role originated to PERFECTION by Danny Glover in the film series. No one wants to hear “I’m getting too old for this shit” over and over again from Wayans, Sr. And honestly, Damon, YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS. I’ve never heard of the dude playing the Mel Gibson role (Clayne Crawford) but good for you. I tell you what, Fox, I will watch only if you bring back a rotating cast of actors playing the same roles again. I’m talking about Joe Pesci, Gary Busey, Chris Rock, Rene Russo, and Jet Li of course. Oh you can’t? Too bad, so sad. Can’t care.