Welcome to this week’s installment of Can’t Care, Moviejawn’s weekly roundup of all the entertainment news we just can’t care about.
Francis Friel, The Projectionist
I can't care. I just cannot care, I swear to god. Disney's all upset cause The Force Awakens got blu-ripped and is all over the dang internet? Seriously? I can't care. They paid Lucas over three billion bucks for the rights to the entire Lucasfilm intellectual property, characters, set designs, star destroyers, neckbeards, jar jars, golden bikinis, "old man wizards" and every other goddammer in the galaxy and made half of that money back by making ONE FILM and they want me to be UPSET that someone thought ahead and ripped the shit outta that blu-ray a couple weeks early? Are you KIDDING ME?? I can. not. care. Can't care. I hope the script to Episode VIII leaks all over Kathleen Kennedy's living room floor. Lucasfilm. You're kidding me, right?
Not only that but obviously the big news this week is that Batman's gonna fight Superman and I can't...uh...ok, well, I care. I'm pretty invested. This dickhead Snyder has burned me before. But I swear to you I saw Dawn of the Dead, Watchmen, and Sucker Punch in the theater and loved all of them. Repeat viewings, ehhhhhh ya know. Whatever. But I still think every one of those films have things going on in them that only Snyder could've done. Yes, it took a specific vision. I won't say he's a "visionary" or anything, but I'll still watch all of those today (probably less so Sucker Punch, but again, I loved it at one time). Thing is, though... this dude just has no idea what to do with a bunch of superheroes. It worked well enough in Watchmen, I think, because that story, when it comes down to it, was about a bunch of regular old dorks going up against the big bad guy (who wanted to save the world, remember) that none of them knew what to do with. And the only character with actual superhuman powers was bored as shit with the whole plot of that movie and flew off to Mars to chill in a giant crystal palace and scare the shit out of his girlfriend. So why, based on that, would they give this guy the keys to an entire billion-dollar franchise? Ugh. Man of Steel was WEAK. So weak! It killed me. And again, there's cool stuff in there but shit, there BETTER BE cool stuff in a Superman movie, right?? Dumb. Garbage. Man of Steel. No. He made a sequel. Ben Affleck is in it. I can't care. I'm lucky I watch all my movies for free. And you're lucky, too. But I have been reading early reviews all day and laughing my ASS off.
But, more to the point, Eli Roth is making killer clown movies now and I just can't care. This idiot rips everybody's skin off and bathes women in rivers of blood and has them scrape their own goddam legs off but killer clowns? That's what's next? Why didn't he just hold a press conference and say "Guys, I'm out of ideas. What should I do next?" and some fool raises his hand and yells "Killer Clown Movie!" and Roth is just like, yep, whatever, I'll take it. Someone, anyone, please: write a movie. Something I haven't seen before. Something with some kind of, oh, I don't know, point of view. Or idea. Does anybody have ANYTHING to say?? Are we just stuck in a constant Nostalgia Loop? Star Wars. Batman. Superman. Killer Clowns. Guys. I gotta tell ya: I can't care.
Rosalie Kicks!, Old Sport
Hold on to your hat old sport, cause you're going to have to wait until 2017(!) before you can see Ben Affleck's Live by Night. It was announced earlier this week that the prohibition-era crime drama's release is being pushed back an ENTIRE YEAR. I think those old sports at Warner Brothers may have learned their lesson from this Batman v. Superman shitshow – at least they can still back outta this one! Seriously, who cares whether or not this thing actually gets made? Based on a Dennis Lehane novel, um, who cares - haven't we had enough of these already? Oh and how original: a film set during prohibition. Come on, do we really need to keep reliving what a bad idea this was for America? Kinda hoping the year push back was just out of pity for Affleck cause the ole' WB didn't have the heart to halt the production while he gets ripped apart this weekend.
Speaking of the grand EPIC by Zach Snyder...Old sport, I'd love to say that I simply can't care, however that would be a lie. Instead I must admit that I care very deeply about this film. How can't you, after you read a review that states "this dramatically dark and physically gigantic venture is estimated to need to haul in $1 billion at the very least to justify itself financially." HA! Good luck with that. It is kinda like a car accident: you just can't help but look. No one cares about this movie except to watch it go down in flames. I predict: this will be the year's PAN, a mistake that cost $410 million.
Jaime Davis, The Fixer
Everyone else is doing it, so I might as well jump in here and talk about Batman v. Superman, too. I’m going rogue and stating, for the record, that I 100% care. I’m all in. I care very much about this little movie that could. I would even go so far as to say that I hope and pray to the Lord God Allah Xenu High Priestess of Movies that it shatters all records, raking in over a billion dollars so that all the haters go cuckoo bananas and say things like, “Oh well I KNEW Snyder could pull it off all along” and “Well, yes it’s quite the shitty film but Affleck’s BatVoice is 98% superior to Bale BatVoice” and “You know, Michael Shannon could totallyyy win an Oscar for this” and yadda yadda yadda, ad nauseam, ad infinitum. And while we’re on the subject of Michael Shannon, let me just say that I hope beyond hope when watching this FUTURE CINEMATIC TRIUMPH that 1. Everyone does indeed fucking kneel before Shannon’s Zod; 2. Zod thoroughly, expertly, painstakingly shows Amy Adams’ Lois Lane what a REAL kiss from a REAL “man” is all about; 3. Zod mothertrucking blows up the mothertrucking universe in minute five; and 4. The movie ends, just like that, with sad, slow-motion credits/montage of all the stars in the film, complete with Aerosmith’s Don’t Wanna Miss A Thangggggggg playing over it. Boom. Movie over. Jaime’s life complete. What I absolutely cannot care about is the actual plot. Or Batfleck (can’t take ownership over that name – wish I had come up with it.) Or Wonder Woman. I guess I should care? But yeah, WB, thanks for throwing women and, let me just say it, FEMINISM, a fucking bone by giving us Wonder Woman for a hot sec in a micro-mini cheerleader outfit. I can hear those Studio Idiots in their development meetings: “Well, just write Wonder Woman in there for a few scenes. We’ll cast a total nobody so we can pay her next to nothing and then women will HAVE to come see our piece of shit movie. And make her skirt short. No, shorter.” UGHHHHH. Please. Don’t insult me. I’ve seen the Supergirl tv show. The Wonder Woman tv show ended before it even got off the ground. Y’all can’t write women because you think you got us all figured out. Guess what: YOU DON’T.
Guys, love is in the air in Hollywood! Have you heard the news? Jamie Foxx (what does the extra X stand for? Don’t answer that.) and Katie Holmes are married! No, your mom was wrong when she said they’re just engaged. According to some HIGH PROFILE NEWS SOURCES that shall go unnamed those fools be married. Snooooooze. Can’t care. Unless L. Ron himself thaws out and hunts down Cruise and orders him to claim his original fake bride, this story is so sleepy I just can’t. It's working better for me than Nyquil.
Also in the Hollywood love news department? Apparently Jennifer Lawrence and Darren Aronofsky, filming a movie together soon-ish or something, are totally 100% doing it. I find this completely hilarious and, to some extent, offensive. So I won’t even deign to mention where I read this piece of gossip folks trash. (Hint: I’m too embarrassed to admit where I read this, so you won’t get it out of me. Don’t. Stinking. Try.) Even if this is completely factual, I have to say: can’t care. JLaw was real cute for a minute, especially when she admitted to being hungry on a red carpet once. But now her whole no bullshit wacko "I'm just a real girl" persona is thoroughly exhausting. Note to Studio Idiots: don't think that you can model all future female characters after JLaw because she's quirky! And a free spirit! And beautiful! And claims to eat french fries! Just...don't. You'll still be doing it wrong.
Aaaaand one more Hollywood relationship note guys, stay with me. I’m getting a gossip rag vibration that Joshua Jackson and Diane Kruger are on the last leg of their relationship. Which seems like bullshit to me? Because of this. And this. But I feel it’s important to mention because I’ve been a fan of their work for YEARS, and when I say work, I mean the two of them showing up at events together, and being photographed on the street in cool outfits, and just them generally being like, in the bone zone with each other. Yes, I’m a legit fan of Jackson/Kruger. So if this “news item” is indeed sadly true, I’d have to say I can’t care? (And then I’m gonna go cry in a dark room with my head shoved firmly into a pint of vegan Ben & Jerry’s while Paula Cole’s I Don’t Wanna Wait plays over and over and over and over again.)