Welcome to this week’s installment of Can’t Care, Moviejawn’s weekly roundup of all the entertainment news we just can’t care about. And check the end of this post for our March issue raffle winner!
Francis Friel, The Projectionist
Look. I've lived in North Carolina for a little over two years now. And you know what everybody talks about? Nonstop? How they shoot movies here. And Atlanta. Place is fucking crawling with film crews. It's a huge deal. So I gotta say I can't care that Fox and Turner are threatening to pull their productions from the state in reaction to the bizarre anti-LGBT legislation that was recently passed by the governor, Giant Fuckface McCrory. They're "threatening," huh? How nice of you, Hollywood. Thanks. When do you plan to actually put this threat into motion? Certainly you're not halting production on anything. In fact it was made clear that Turner is continuing to shoot whatever their dumb crap is (a tv show called Good Behavior) and won't even start looking for a new home for the show until the full season is wrapped. Guys. These studios are full of shit. They shoot here because it is CHEAP AS FUCK. They will make headlines. They will appear to be on the side of the LGBT community and supporters. But they are a business. One of the biggest businesses in the world. And they are not going to give up the outrageous tax breaks and diverse locations just to be nice to their employees. Hollywood's taking a stand? Threatening a boycott? I doubt it. Sincerely. Prove me wrong, Clowns. PLEASE.
Speaking of Clowns, now I'm seeing that Bradley Cooper (best known for playing "Ben", the voice on the phone for about 45 seconds at the beginning of 10 CLOVERFIELD LANE) is about to dive into the ocean and presumably get lost down there. He's trying to star in that new Max Landis script. But you know what? I can't care. Cameron already went down there. Guys. There's NOTHING DOWN THERE. Ugh. Christ on a fucking...I can't care! What's down there? Seriously. What the fuck could possibly be down there that is SO INTERESTING that you're gonna make me sit there for three hours (all movies are three hours, this is my life now) to see him defy the odds and actually make it down there, then get lost, then DEFINITELY get found. There is literally no suspense. It's a year away at this point. But I know that Bradley Cooper is gonna star. I therefore can predict with about 98% accuracy that he will survive this stupid trip. Coop. Buddy. This is what you're giving back? You're from Philly. You have obligations to us folks back home. Stop fuckin around. Remember when you shot Ryan Gosling in that movie? Do more stuff like that. That was cool as hell.
FInally, THE VVITCH is getting re-released. But I can't care. Because it's one of my favorite films of the year so far and I absolutely assume everyone has had their heads screwed on straight and has already seen it. Would it interest you to know that as of this weekend it'll be playing in exactly 666 theaters and will be attempting to crush its dumb competition, Mr. God Goes To Washington? These things do not interest me. It takes the focus off of the movie itself. Just show the movie, A24. You're so good at what you do. Don't turn into just another Gang of Hollywood Clowns.
Rosalie Kicks!, Old Sport
Old Sport, I bet you have been losing winks all week. Lying awake at night thinking about the ole' Hollywood REQUEL: B V S. IT FOLLOWS you. Endless questions racing thru your head like a ticker tape: What was that? Was there a script? Did I fall asleep? How did Clark Kent not know who Bruce Wayne was and how did Bruce Wayne (detective) not know who Clark Kent was? Did I watch a rough cut? Help me understand.
Well, stop rockin' back 'n forth old sport and have a sigh of relief: Those old sports at Warner Bros. have finally released THE DELETED SCENE. The scene that will really pull the movie together. Too bad I simply can't care. Nothing will save this incoherent, disjointed mistake. It is over Warner Bros. - you foiled us! You took my precious coins and are laughing all the way to the bank like Rich Uncle Pennybags. The nerve of you Hollywood. Is sharing this precious DELETED SCENE with us your version of saying "I'm Sorry?!" It is going to take a lot more than a DELETED SCENE to save this Zack Snyder trainwreck. In the words of old sport, Rhett Butler, "You think that by saying, 'I'm sorry,' all the past can be corrected. Here, take my handkerchief." Hollywood, you may suckered us into this Zack Attack reboot/sequel monstrosity with your slick marketing, but never again. With Zack Snyder still attached to direct Justice League - Hollywood, you best hang on to that hankie cause the people can't care.
Another director causing yawns: Sofia Coppola. It was announced earlier this week she will be directing The Beguiled - a remake of a 1971 Clint Eastwood picture and I simply can't care. Sofia, what happened to you? Are you the same person that gave us Lost In Translation and Virgin Suicides? As a friend of mine said to me recently, "the last movie she made: BO-RING aka The Bling Ring." Hey! I had your back old sport, when you backed out of The Little Mermaid but now you sign up to remake a Clint pic?! Goodnight and good luck, can't care.
And in Pirates of the Caribbean news...holy cow old sport, they are still making these?! I guess Johnny Depp needs work and rarely gets a chance to showcase his pirate character...oh wait. And now Paul McCartney is attached. Wow, still can't care. How many bodies will they throw at this thing. Hollywood, this has gone far enough! We don't need anymore pirate movies and a former Beatle can't save this sinking ship. What character will the old sport play?! CAN'T CARE.
Jaime Davis, The Fixer
You guys, I have to be honest. I'm having a hard time Can't Caring because I just saw Batman v. Superman and I'm still processinggg. I don't know what that thing was that I watched, but I do know that Snyder was trying SO HARD to make BVS his Dark Knight. I get it, Snyder. Who wouldn't want to be Christopher Nolan? (Nobody answer that). But what a gargantuan dump of a movie. I'm pretty fucking sad about it, actually.
On a lighter note, I'm also struggling to Can't Care because Leonardo DiCaprio sent a text message to JLo this week and I can't stop thinking about it. Basically, JLo was on Carpool Karaoke with James Corden and Corden decided to send a text to someone in her phone. And of course, yes, he picks Leo FUCKING DiCaprio. AS WOULD ANYONEEEE. So Corden sends a text to Leo from JLo's phone that says:
"Hey baby, I'm kinda feeling like I need to cut loose. Any suggestions? Let me know.
-JLo (you know, from the block)"
And that GOLDEN GOD MOTHERFUCKER wrote JLo back and said, of all things:
"You mean tonight, boo boo? Club-wise?"
HE SAID BOO BOO. BOO BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Last night a friend and I spent almost the entire evening (before and after watching Batman v. Superman) walking around, inserting "You mean tonight, boo boo? Club-wise?" into every fucking sentence we said. It works in regular conversation about 76% of the time. The other 24% of the time, it's just really fucking funny. Considering I once spent practically an entire month calling everyone and their grandma 'boo boo kitty' (we can thank Empire for that) I'm now convinced that Leo and I are meant to be true, lifelong friends. It's happening, you guys.
Anyway, let's just get into it, shall we? I'll try my best to Can't Care, I really will, but I'm afraid my heart's just not as in it this week. (Goddamn you, Leo).
First up: Woody Allen's Café Society is opening Cannes this year. Get ready for it: SIGHHHHHHHHH. There are a ton of reasons why I can't care: Jesse Eisenberg, Blake Lively, Woody Allen (I mean, did you see Magic in the Moonlight? What did I do to deserve sitting in a dark theater for an hour and a half watching monumentally mismatched Emma Stone and Colin Firth try super duper hard to pretend to fall in love? And I won't even get into the age difference between them). And here it comes again: SIGHHHHHHHHHHH. Now I will admit, there are some things about Café Society that I honest to goodness care about: Parker Posey, Corey Stoll, Kristen Stewart (she's SO good in Clouds of Sils Maria - let's all collectively give her another chance), and the film's about moviemaking and old Hollywood. Cool. But for now I'd rather do this: SIGHHHHHHHHHH. And say this: You mean tonight, boo boo? Club-wise?
Alert! Alert! Someone gave Joe Wright another directing gig despite helming everyone's favorite box office bomb, Pan. Joe, you make me so mad sometimes! DO NOT get me started on Anna Karenina. It's one of my fave books, and I tried so hard, Joe Wright. I. TRIED. SO. HARD. I mean, I gave Cloud Atlas a pass because I love that book so freakin much, and we all know what the Wachowski's and Tykwer did to it. Joe, your director's commentary for Pride & Prejudice is nothing short of insufferable. Jane Austen would surely deem you most disagreeable! I liked Hanna though. So at least you got that. Anyway, now you're making a...wait for it...BIOPIC ON WINSTON CHURCHILL! Snooooooooooooooooze. And I'm an Anglophile so I should be alllllll over this. Guess what: can't care, boo boo.