Welcome to this week’s installment of Can’t Care, Moviejawn’s weekly roundup of all the entertainment news we just can’t care about.
Francis Friel, The Projectionist
AMC. You heard about this, right? This Adam Aron fuckin munch gettin' all this attention, threatening to allow cellphone use in his auditoriums. Because he doesn't want "millennials" to stop going to his theatres, which constitute one of the biggest freakin companies on the planet. You're in no danger, idiot. So I can't care.
In fact, bring it on. Hand out cellphones as people walk in the door. MAKE them use them during movies. Oh wait, did this Clown forget that every fucking phone on earth has a camera? And with that camera you can take video? And with that video you can upload and pirate and fuck up HOLLYWOOD? You're walking down a plank straight into the shark's mouth, bozo. This thing isn't gonna get past the design stage.
The design is pretty interesting, though. He says he doesn't want to cut off 22-year-old left arms. Which is crazy because it would actually be easier to sever arms than to hand out phones. You set it up kind of like 3D glasses recycling bins. The people walk in (guys, millennials are not a thing. Are you not a 22-year old? Okay. Put together for yourself that there are people younger or older than you. With me? Okay, let's proceed...), uh...oh. Right. Yes. They walk in. They stick out their left arms. An usher with an absolutely obscene-looking machete or blade from a paper-cutter just goes fucking bonkers on everyone's left arms.
So. The arms are cut off. They proceed into the theater. They've also received a phone from the concession stand. If you didn't get one, know in your heart that it's your fault for not asking for one, the concessionists are busy and have a lot of people to get through. Cut them some fucking slack. In fact, THANK THEM for literally whatever it is they do for you. They get paid shit. And now their job description involves handing out fucking phones to your dumb ass just so you can play your part in this insane plan to Hudsucker the company by getting in trouble for promoting piracy.
I can't care. I hope the plan works. I hope Aron gets outed as running a machete cartel just so he can divebomb his company while also getting brought up on manslaughter charges (manslaughter? I have no idea. Presumably some of the people die, right?) and having all his ushers eventually strike and walk out on the 5:25 show of Civil War cause they're sick of not only CUTTING OFF PEOPLE'S ARMS but then obviously having to CLEAN UP AFTER A ROOM FULL OF SEVERED ARMS. Jesus. Can you IMAGINE? These kids do not get paid enough to do that.
Aron. Dude. Cut off arms. Hand out cellphones. Bankrupt your Giant Devil-Worshipping Corporation when every studio in the world sues you into the tenth level of the Matrix. Go for it. I can't care.
UPDATE: Looks like this Clown is now completely walking back everything he said earlier about the left arms. Are we gonna take this kind of flip-flopping from our Leaders?? I say NO. I say BRING IT ALL ON, AMC. Stick to your guns and machetes. Otherwise no one's gonna trust a greasy word you say.
And it figures that this Goof is from Philly. Home of David Miscavage, the other guy whose sole aim seems to be to ruin Hollywood for everybody.
Although I guess he did have a (left) hand in unleashing Visionary Director Katie Holmes on the world.
Rosalie Kicks!, Old Sport
One of my Moviejawn colleagues once proclaimed to me, "Each generation gets the PAN movie they deserve." When you take a look at PANS of the PAST, the trail leads to: depleted bank accounts, empty whiskey bottles, and unemployment. Hell, the PAN filmography aka box office bombs, couldn't even be saved by Hollywood's #1 Old Sport clown, SP***B**G. However, none of these facts are stopping Disney from reviving the corpse of Peter Pan once more. Old Sport, I CAN'T CARE. Luckily Mickey Mouse has deep pockets and a castle he can mortgage if necessary. Disney, let's just try not to give the kiddies night terrors this time.
On the topic of nightmares: Wow. That Spiderman thing is happening AGAIN and that Old Sport, Michael Keaton is joining the cast - as a VILLAIN. Um, can't care. Guys, this superhero thing is outta control and everyone is turning to the darkside. Just because those other old sports jumped off the bridge, do you have to, too? Well, do you BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH?!
OK. So not going to lie: I want to see Dr. Strange. Have you seen the Tilda? Have you seen the trailer and what about Tilda? Hell yes! I am seeing this. Therefore, Mr. Cumberbatch, you get a pass on this superhero jawn - but I have to say I simply CAN'T CARE about you signing on to the animated production of The Grinch. Come on buddy, you're going to show up Boris Karloff - well, I could just spit. I'm not even going to discuss that Ron Howard abomination. Cucumber, you are on a slippery slope Old Sport, better tread lightly.
Jaime Davis, The Fixer
So last night I went to a Tribeca party and about the most exciting thing that happened was when Theo James spilled a drink on my friend Sara but he didn't realize it so he didn't apologize. Sara sooo Can't Care about Theo James now. He seemed nice to the staff who cleaned up his spill though. Oh and apparently Justin Timberlake and Arya Stark were there, too. Hollywood parties are never not weird, by the way.
So let's get to the real Can't Care report: a lot of the big news this week has been pouring out of CinemaCon like whiskey from an open bottle and I gotta say, Can't Care. Exhibitors are all dressed up at their fancy party like "Here we are folks! It's SHOWTIME" and, just, ugh, gross.
Speaking of gross, the global box office reached a record $38.3 billion in 2015 and these clowns are mad at, wait, who are they mad at? Oh. These guys. And people who watch shit at home and on the internet. If James Cameron says one more thing about "preserving the sanctity of the movie-going experience"---ah, Christ. Here we go again, Jim. Aaaannndd, while they're celebrating that ridiculous global box office number, the Motion Picture Association of America is throwing a little love at DIVERSITY, too. MPAA Chief Chris Dodd said this week, "We can and must do a better job." K, bro. I'll just sit here waiting while you get on that. In the meantime, I'ma tell you how sick and tired I am of all the whiney, complainey nonsense from you fools. Let's hash out my feelings via reaction gifs.
(those last two gifs are by my amazing friend Jason)
Even more grossness from CinemaCon: Warren Beatty made a movie about Howard Hughes. About Howard Hughes in his later years. About how Howard Hughes dated a younger woman in his later years. A much, much, much, MUCHHHHHHHHHHHH younger woman in his later years. Like maybe close to 40 years younger. Look, I get it. I've liked people younger than me. Age ain't nothin' but a number and all that. But 40 fucking years? Lily Collins is playing the young woman in question, soooo. IDK, man. And GUESS WHO'S playing Howard Hughes? Uh huh. Ol' Beatts himself. Can you imagine if someone had the AUDACITY to make a movie about a 70 year-old woman having a relationship with a 20-something year-old man? First, that shit would never get made. Second, if by miracle of miracles it did, people would freak the fuck out. And boycott it or some shit. Love is love, but if this is an attempt to fulfill some lame male fantasy before kicking the bucket, then gross, Beatty, gross. Take it away, gifs.
(yep, those last two are also by the amazing Jason).