Welcome to this week’s installment of Can’t Care, Moviejawn’s weekly roundup of all the entertainment news we just can’t care about.
Francis Friel, The Projectionist
HASBRO. Can't care. That's it for this week. See ya!
I mean, no. I guess I'll get into it. But I am exhausted. Of universes, worlds, builders of worlds, shared properties...I just can't care.
So now GI Joe, Visionaries, Micronauts, MASK, and ROM are all gonna have their own shared Cinematic Universe. But why? Firstly, I haven't heard of half that shit. Which I guess is the first reason why. Everybody knows GI Joe, and I assume people know the rest of that shit, but there's probably a lot of people out there who only know GI Joe. Maybe like me, who, when they were kids, didn't give a shit about the tv shows and just wanted the toys, and loved the toys, but didn't really even love them enough to care if when you took them outside to play in the snow and you threw one onto the snow and it immediately got buried under a thin sheet of ice and you stepped on it and it froze instantly and you broke all its arms and legs right off and could see the rubber bands inside. Like, that's as far as I cared about any of this nonsense.
BUT. They've got Visionary Writer Akiva Goldsman to head up this nightmare festival. And he's surrounding himself with the coolest of the cool writers right now trying to come up with some way to possibly connect all these ridiculous things. And I have a prediction: it will fail. Because these are movies for babies. They're gonna make the first one (oh wait they already made two, oops) and it's gonna be a gigantic flop. They're gonna throw so much money at this thing and it's going to be the last straw for most moviegoers, I think. We just can't care anymore. Now I have MORE movies I don't care about that I have to keep up with? And each with an endless string of uninteresting characters who are just there to serve as cogs in the Gigantic Wheel of Hollywood Bullshit that is intent on steamrolling over the planet? Folks: there is no force on earth that can make me care about Micronauts. None.
They're gonna have their Dracula Untold moment when they realize they messed up and have to release a statement that says "oh, um, not that one...that's just a standalone thing we did...HEY LOOK OVER HERE" and they'll have to start all over again.
What they should be doing is folding Transformers and Monopoly into this fucker. Or like...Play-Doh or some shit. Make THAT universe. Transformers v. Tonka Trucks: Dawn of Lite-Brite. It writes itself.
And did they forget they already made a freaking JEM movie? How's she gonna factor into this mess? Is she involved in that new Tom Hanks hologram movie? Is that the Jem sequel? See, we'll never know, cause Akiva is keeping that writers room on lockdown. Can't let anything leak. Gotta protect THE UNIVERSE.
I can barely keep up with the one universe I'm supposed to care about. On top of that I have Marvels, Supers, Monsters, and now Toys. Mash em all together. Then maybe I'll care.
Rosalie Kicks!, Old Sport
The much anticipated Elvis & Nixon flick is finally hitting theaters this weekend. Old Sport, you have no idea how much I have been dying to see this: Literally have been rockin' back n' forth in my old man cardigan. The Liza Johnson film stars one of my favorite Hollywood Hunks, Michael Shannon aka General Zod. Guys, Michael Shannon...well, he might quite possibly be as neat as nachos. I heart this old sport so much, that I even sat thru that Man of Steel jawn just so I could see his angry mug. Now I hear word on the street is that his Elvis picture is getting bad reviews. Guys. I CAN'T CARE. Nothing is going to keep me from seeing this movie. Shannon is a GOD. These old sports in Hollywood can rip the film all they want...OK. So he doesn't look like Elvis, can't care. I would argue though that he may in fact be THE KING - THE KING OF ACTING. Hollywood, you old sport as I see it you simply don't deserve Shannon.
Hollywood, there is one person you do deserve: Clint Eastwood. Anything this dude is doing: can't care. After the Jersey Boys experience...Hollywood, this washed up old sport is all yours. Apparently he has discovered IMAX cameras...look out world and get ready cause your next Clintity is gonna cost ya! Premium IMAX experience prices - no thanks! His entire next film, Sully, is shot entirely with this alien technology. Listen, Clint - nothing is gonna save this thing, not your cameras from space, that old sport Tom Hanks, or Two-Face. Guys. Whatever this dude is doing, can't care.
Jaime Davis, The Fixer
Did you know that Hulu has The O.C. in all its glory right now? Did you know that this show is a million times good? Did you know that I'm doing nothing right now but rewatching this fucking masterpiece? So my capacity to Can't Care is seriously diminished, because this lil' show is currently giving me all the feels. Ben McKenzie trying soooo hard to be cool and aloof! All the wind they keep blowing through Marissa's hair! Baby Adam Brody! Super Adorbs Rachel Bilson! And those sweetly lilting CALIFORNIAAAAAAAA opening credits. Goddamn you show, you're keeping me from real life and I love/hate you for it.
Fran already brought this up, but I feel it's important to go back to it: Tom Hanks' A Hologram For the King opens today. Booo-ringgggggg. And could this quite possibly be the World's Worst Trailer? It has one of those seriously outro voiceovers and even has the audacity to start with "When life threw Alan Clay a curveball..." Ok, stop right there. I've already had enough of you, trailer! Even Tom Tykwer at the helm can't convince me to see this pile of culturally appropriated trash. It's based on the Dave Eggers novel of the same name, and I know a lot of you probably loveeeee the Eggers - so don't get all salty! I didn't read the book. I'm not saying anything about the book. Just the overall vibe of this trailer gives me second-hand embarrassment - for Hanksy, for Saul's bea-uuuutiful ex-wife from Homeland, for the clearly non-Saudi actor playing a Saudi Arabian cab driver who gives Hanks the 411. (I just wrote 'the 411!' Seriously! Is this 1992?)
Guys, in this ep of The O.C. I'm watching right now Marissa just mentioned listening to The Clash, The Cramps, and Stiff Little Fingers. I do not believe that Marissa would know any of these bands, let alone listen to them. Also I'm totally marrying Summer. It's 175% happening.
Speaking of bands! MTV announced this week that they are like totes into music again! Oh Happy Freakin Day! But like, you're so 2000 and late, MTV. I feel like I've been waiting for this news since forever but now I'm just kinda meh about it. Studio brass announced a whopping 14 new shows dedicated to a renewed interest in "music and youth culture." Music and youth culture! The whitest thing I've ever typed! Just give me all the Rihanna, Beyoncé, and Justin Bieber videos played in a near-continuous loop followed by a solid hour of "Classic MTV" - cause you know that shit's coming next. They're going to over-play all my beloved 80's and 90's jawns and the kiddos are gonna go apeshit and wear ringer tees and ball necklaces again, dissecting the Blur v. Oasis debate while listening to 90's Björk albums. Wait. This is a bad thing. A VERY BAD THING! Fuck you MTV for yet again murdering everything I love.
In better news: Adam Brody just rode a skateboard at the beach on The O.C.! I care about you show, I really do.