Welcome to this week’s installment of Can’t Care, Moviejawn’s weekly roundup of all the entertainment news we just can’t care about.
Francis Friel, The Projectionist
Lots of weird news this week. A lot of it some background bullshit about casting rumors, schedules, release dates...and Star Wars. But the thing at the top of my list this week is a piece that we see pop up every six months or so: The Dark Tower. Now, this project has been around for years, most notably as some kind of dumb Frankenstein Ron Howard crap where he wanted to release a movie, then a season of tv, then a movie, etc., etc. Who cares? Anybody? Is this even a story that needs to be told? With Stephen King's page-to-screen track record, I am legit surprised we're still moving forward on this thing in any capacity at all. And now we're hearing that the Visionary Writer behind The 5th Wave and Angels and Demons, good ol' Akiva Goldsman, is still being retained for his services. I swear we've heard over the years that this Clown was in, out, in, out...and now in again? God almighty, what does this guy have to do to finally get kicked out of Hollywood? Oh shit, he always makes money. Dang. Well, here's a secret: I haven't read these books. And I could not possibly care less about them. Is America screaming for this thing? It's undoubtedly going to be the most unwieldy pile ever released onto an innocent public. Really, they could've handed this thing to Charlie Kaufman and Neveldine/Taylor and I still wouldn't care. A cowboy fights wizards, huh? God dammit. We don't deserve this. Innocent civilians don't deserve this.
Oh, or...is innocent the right word? Batman v Superman has made half a billion dollars. Granted, we all wised up and no one went back for Round 2, but christ. Maybe a six year sojourn into the depths of King's sloppy, unrelatable soul are exactly what we get.
And speaking of BvS. It was announced this week (and last week, and the week before) that major changes are being to the DC Cinematic Universe. And I can't care. Aquaman's going to be "fun." Wonder Woman got pushed up. Will not be any fun. And will probably ripoff the end of The First Avenger. The Batman will probably be announced soon as having a Christmas 2016 release date. Affleck's rocking back and forth. Worried that they're going to pull the plug on him. He's calling the studio everyday. "Did you read my new pages yet? Can we fast-track this thing?" Fuck these movies. Suicide Squad is in re-shoots. Gonna make it more "fun" (there's that word again). Justice League is shooting next week. And guaranteed it's not the same movie the studio approved two years ago. DC. They're fucked. And I can't care.
But that doesn't mean your friendly neighborhood Moviejawn won't be there to see every single one of these tire fires. In fact, we can't wait to track this mess for you. This is gonna be "fun."
Rosalie Kicks!, Old Sport
Those Old Sports at Warner Brothers have decided that they aren't going to let us see their precious Jungle Book:Origins until 2018. Well WB, sorry to break to ya but I just can't care, not in the very least. Frankly old sport, I don't care if I ever see it. I don't need to see the origin or any of the story at all. Why even bother distributing this thing, just keep it. Let it die a slow death in development hell. There is not a single person asking for a Jungle Book movie and what do those Hollywood clowns do? They give us TWO!!! I've been waiting years for the A Confederacy of Dunces movie; instead those old sports in Hollywood are just simply too busy producing multiple versions of the same f'n movie.
Hey old sport look on the bright side...while you are waiting for the Jungle Book to hit theaters you can fill your time with NOT one, NOT two, but THREE! Little Mermaid movies. Huh, I guess I didn't realize there was this huge untapped demographic out there: FISH PEOPLE. Those old sports in Hollywood are ahead of the curve again and just trying to represent this non-existent race. That's gotta be it! Cause seriously I don't remember anyone asking for a live action Little Mermaid movie. Nor do I remember anyone caring to have multiple productions of the same story produced. Seriously, Hollywood, gimme a break or better yet give me something I can care about.
Jaime Davis, The Fixer
I had a hard time finding a lot to Can't Care about this week, but I am pretty perturbed about a coupla things. First, Charlize Theron just signed on for the next Fast & Furious installment. Christ, Charlize. What. Are. You. Doing. I know the Fast franchise is a super mondo money making enterprise. But...but...but you're a motherfucking queen! You should be able to do ANYTHING. But, cars and Vin Diesel swagger and girls in crop tops and Tokyo drifting? Really, Charlize? (Confession: I stopped watching these movies after the third one so I have no idea what happens in them anymore.) Maybe this isn't all Charlize's fault (or her agent's fault. Or her manager's fault). Maybe this is just indicative of the lack of choice roles for Women of a Certain Age. Which leads me to...
A certain little article in Variety this week got me all in a mood. It's about Katie Holmes venturing into directing, as her first feature, All We Had, heads to Tribeca next week. Honey, yes, you read that right. KATIE HOLMES, that one, DIRECTING. I hate to say it, but no. Nooo. NOOOOOO. I've been on the fence about how to approach this, because I don't want to come off as one of those haterade women who automatically defaults to hurling vitriol on other females, especially female artists. So let me start from a positive place: good for you, Katie. You survived that awful Scientology sham marriage, escaped Cruise Control, and (appeared to) emerge from all that nonsense with class and intelligence. Directing is hard as shit and you had the guts to step outside of your comfort zone and really just go for it. And we need more female directors, that's for dang sure. But there's something about the whole project, and the article itself, that just doesn't sit well with me. For starters, the film is about a family on the verge of ruin during the wake of the 2008 financial crisis. Okayyyy. And somehow this resonated to Katie's life how?
"The story resonated with the multihyphenate, who drew on her relationship with Suri, her 9-year-old daughter with Tom Cruise, to create her character."
Yeah, sooooo. About that. You paid THIS MUCH money per month for two apartments in Manhattan. And you feel like...you understand...wait, what? Aw jeez, Katie, I'm really trying here.
And then there's this part of the article:
"Holmes, casually elegant in jeans and a tan coat, has been holed up in an editing suite, putting the finishing touches on her directorial debut..."
Fucking what? Is this a Vogue interview? Who da fuq cares what she was wearing? Does Variety ever write shit like
"Spielberg, debonair in pleated khakis and white Reeboks, sashayed into the restaurant, entourage in tow..."
No, they don't. Because no one gives a flying frig what a "powerful man" wears because it's unnecessary. But a powerful woman? Let's reduce her to an outfit and a face cream. Because that's all we are at the end of the day. How old we look to you. Fuck...you guys, I just can't. And I didn't even tell you the part about how she's starring in the film too, as a "hardscrabble" mother trying to keep it all together.
The whole thing...her choice of directing project, the fact that she landed said project, and that it's premiering at Tribeca, just reeks of entitlement to me. Deep, deep down inside my little black heart I want to be happy about this, but I just...can't...care.
But all is not lost this week. I found out about this awesome Twitter from producer Ross Putman called FemScriptIntros. Putman takes actual female character intros from actual scripts he reads and posts them, changing all character names to 'Jane' to avoid any awkwardness with the authors. At first glance it's fucking hilarious. And then at second glance it's just embarrassing. And then sad. Women don't exist purely for eye candy enjoyment, and we sure as hell weren't put on this planet solely to spur the action of our male counterparts. So why don't male and female screenwriters get that? It's an epidemic, man, one that I 100% care about.