Welcome to this week’s installment of Can’t Care, Moviejawn’s weekly roundup of all the entertainment news we just can’t care about.
Francis Friel, The Projectionist
Friends. Disney made a billion dollars this year. Isn't that great? Aren't you so proud of them? Aren't you so happy that we've successfully evolved past being excited for movies to come out, going to see them, talking about them with our friends, maybe even, if we have such an outlet, writing about them? We don't need that old way of enjoying things anymore! Now we can get excited when Giant Devil-Worshipping Conglomerates announce how much fuckin' money they made! And how they utterly FUCKED Universal on how fast they were able to do it! Aren't you excited?? Don't you just...CARE??
Oh. You don't. You can't. Me neither.
Folks, I cannot care about how much money the biggest company on this planet has made this year. I just can't. I mean, are we all sitting around assuming Disney DIDN'T make a billion dollars, or...? Seriously. I...I don't get it. I think part of my day to day experience of this reality is somewhat predicated upon the idea that Disney is just out there making movies, running theme parks, gobbling up babies and making billions of dollars. Like, all the time. ALL the time. This is not a news story. This is...shit, I don't know WHAT this is. Why are we being told this? Is it important? Is it important that Universal threw a dinosaur at an Iron Man and Iron Man won?
It's not. Here's why.
As I've mentioned before in our print version of Moviejawn, film culture has, by and large, been replaced with geek culture. And I'm not talking about geek culture as in sci-fi or gaming or comics or anything like that. I'm talking about stats. My dad, before he detonated my family and moved to Saturn, was a geek. Which he would dispute, HOWEVER, he was one of those guys who could tell you every stat of every player on every team in every sport. There's a million people out there like that. They call themselves "fans." But no. They're geeks. People obsessing over what the art means in terms of numbers and commerce, not actually having the interest in the motivating piece of art (or sport) itself.
Now, I'm not saying that there are probably many people out there who are tracking these studio numbers for some kind of personal satisfaction they might get out of it (or, shit, maybe there are?), but I think...maybe that's what the studios are hoping for? They're hoping to subtly get under your skin to let you know that, this week at least, they are BETTER than the competition. Doesn't matter that the movies that put them over the top were Star Wars and Marvel, properties that, all things being equal, would've made money NO MATTER WHAT. The people that threw the money at these projects had a pretty Iron Man-clad guarantee that they'd see a return on that investment. It's meaningless. Just as Jurassic World would've made money NO MATTER WHO released it. It's a fucking joke.
Now, it's fun to get mad when a movie you hate makes a billion dollars, or being happy that the one you loved made all the money. But...it's not like this is a lasting, sustaining thing. Right? Am I crazy? Do people really care that MOVIE STUDIOS make money?
It was fun when MGM was being swallowed whole a few years ago, but just from a passing-a-wreck angle. I didn't legitimately want the studio to fail (or give much of a shit either way, outside of a fear that some movies I loved would be put out of print, always a fear of mine.). So where do the studios come from when releasing these numbers? What's the point?
They want us to care about their money. They want us to care about the other one's FUCKING UP of their money. BUT: I just paid $400 to get new tires put on my car after I crashed it into a goddam lightpost in a supermarket parking lot so I DO NOT AND CANNOT CARE ABOUT HOW MANY BILLIONS OF DOLLARS YOU ARE MAKING, HOLLYWOOD. FUCK YOU.
Haha. I mean. It's whatever. But no. I can't care.
Rosalie Kicks!, Old Sport
Guys. I think Tom Hardy is pretty rad. I have enjoyed many of his films: Bronson, Locke, Revenant, and his role in Peaky Blinders. However, I'm afraid the time has come where I have to ask: Why does Hollywood think this old sport can do anything? Mumbles McGee's name is being thrown around left n' right these days. Some say he may even be the next James Bond. And of course the latest BREAKING NEWS: Hardy has been cast in Star Wars as a stormtrooper. CAN'T CARE.
So I am going to let you in on a secret: I have not drank the kool-aid aka seen the JJ Star Wars YET - maybe that is why I just can't care about Hardy joining the Star Wars Universe. Moviejawn's Fixer is planning to change this but until then Star Wars -- CAN'T CARE.
Many of Hardy's roles have started to just blend together. Each new Hardy flick seems to be much of the same. You go in thinking it will be different; instead you end up with BANE and kinda wishing you had subtitles. Listen, I like the dude, but I really don't see how this whole Elton John thing is gonna work.
Hollywood, you old sport, you better watch your step or you are going to ruin this guy. Before you know it Hardy is going to end up on the same boat as our old pirate pal. Ask yourself Hollywood: Do we really need another Johnny Depp?
Anddddddddd on the topic of mistakes: The reviews are in and Alice Through the Looking Glass is WORSE than the First. WOW! Was the first one good? Guys, can't care. Hollywood. Nobody wanted this movie.
Jaime Davis, The Fixer
Didya know that Variety has a whole section dedicated to celebrity real estate? Sigh. You didn't? Yeah, they fucking do. Ordinarily this is the kind of basic, assinine infotainment that would be right up my alley - my years of hate-watching the entire family of House Hunters offerings and Love It or List It and Flip Yer Haus and Big Assholes, Tiny Houses or whatever should have prepared me for the absolute abomination that is the Variety Dirt Real Estate News section (yes folks, that is what they call it).
So I get Variety news alerts sent straight to my inbox and I got one this week that was from said Variety Dirt Real Estate News. I should have deleted it, but I didn't. I should have ignored the "news" links in it, but I didn't. I clicked on them. And clicked and clicked and clicked. And boy oh boy oh boy oh boy - Rory Gilmore and Pete Campbell just sold their Brooklyn home! And their Brooklyn home happened to be a penthouse duplex! F and U, Rory and Pete! (Full disclosure: I think both of these actors are just fine - just in a hatin' mood). I have so many friends in Brooklyn slaving at fun and not fun jobs so they can afford their $1500+++ rent per month. I have friends who spent a lot and a lot of money to buy one bedroom apartments (or smaller). And as someone who is going through a divorce and either sold or gave away pretty much all of her shit in the past 10 months, I can tell you with 156% accuracy that I DO NOT GIVE ONE FLYING FUCK THAT THE BATHROOM IN THE PLACE YOU JUST SOLD FOR A BOATLOAD OF COLD HARD CASH WAS MADE ALMOST ENTIRELY OF MARBLE. Let's do a rundown of Jaime's life possessions at the moment:
- two sets of bath towels
- one sheet set
- a KitchenAid stand mixer
- a half-full 12 pack of coconut La Croix
- and a cat (a very sweet, adorable cat, you guys)
Ok I'm kidding. I have more crap than that! But still. Some days I remember that I used to have a set of Crate & Barrel dishes and all kinds of fun bakeware and a closet full of bath towels and like, actual real, live furniture and it makes my head spin for a minute.
So fudge both of you and your duplex and your lovely, comfortably neutral living room and modern stainless and white galley kitchen and spacious roof deck and tasteful industrial light fixtures. FUDGE. YOU. It makes me wanna cry in my remaining La Croix that you paid about $760k for this piece and then nearly doubled your investment when you sold it for $1.32m. When I sell my first script (hopefully about a woeful Brooklyn couple who can't sell their fabulous duplex) I'm totally and 100% buying a place just like this one.