Welcome to this week’s installment of Can’t Care, Moviejawn’s weekly roundup of all the entertainment news we just can’t care about.
Francis Friel, The Projectionist
Hello again and welcome back to Mel Gibson, Hollywood Maverick, Continues To Divebomb Into Cinema Obscurity, A Free-Flowing Adventure of Eternal Recurrence.
Passion Too is coming out, according to the writer of Heaven is For Real. He spilled the holy beans on this one and I bet Melon is mad as heck. Madder than he was when no one talked about how good Get The Gringo was. It was good! So much fun!
I can't care. I don't know about you but the actual literal LAST thing I want to see is another movie based on the bible. This does not even have to do with my religious beliefs (which are entirely based on which movies are the best and which are the worst) but with my eternal frustration with lowest common denominator pandering. This is not a story that needs to be told (again). We've seen it. For decades Hollywood pumped these things out like there was no tomorrow. Religious epics. Who needs em.
Adaptations are ruining everything. But as always some random-ass group of way too vocal genre zealots pops up and demands to be fed. And faith-based films are a legitimate concern right now. So here we have it. More of the same.
What is everyone's obsession with wanting the same five stories told to them over and over? It is CRIPPLING the creative community in Hollywood because there is no escape from it. The black-eyed suits who run the studios can't wait for the next trend to hit because it means they don't have to do any WORK. Fuck the Bozos!
Gibson. I get it. You need to do this for whatever your sick and twisted reasons are but good gracious, man, reign it in this time.
Make a silent film. Do it in Russian. Make it animated. Come up with something. Do it right.
Peace be with you.
Rosalie Kicks!, Old Sport
The Old Sport’s head is spinning. With all the rumors that have been flying left and right, I can barely keep up: Who will be the next B O N D?!
Guys, guess what…CAN’T CARE.
Hollywood just pick a clown already and be done with it. Here’s what you do: Play a little pin the tail on the donkey. Line up the photos: Tom Hardy, Tom Hiddleston, Idris Elba, Henry Cavill, Damien Lewis, Orlando Bloom, Michael Fassbender-put on a blind fold, take a couple spins and pin the tail on the next jackass. I CAN’T CARE. This franchise has been a snooze cruise for years. Show of hands who fell asleep during Spectre? Not even Daniel Craig was awake. That old sport has been sleep walking thru this thing since Casino Royale. He hates making these things so much he would rather take his own life. Old sport, we completely understand and send our regards. That’s probably why good ole’ foot face aka Tom Hiddleston wants to have nothing to do with this thing.
He sees the writing on the wall: James Bond = MOVIEYAWN
Then of course there is the exciting adventure of finding the next director. Who will take over the reins for Sam Mendes? Oh my! the suspense! Hold on I’ll be right back: Zzzzzzzzzzzs. Can’t Care. Mr. Mendes sorry to break to you, but you not directing another Bond rodeo is probably some of the best news from this whole ordeal. Old Sport, the only thing I’ll miss when you’re not behind the camera is my nap time. Your Bond movies have been providing audiences with quality sleep time for years.
Guys, Hollywood knows we have been catching the winks during these “action packed” films and that is why they are taking this search very seriously. Word on the street is they are calling in that old sport, Christopher Nolan to save this sinking ship. Hollywood, I thought you were going to take care of us this time? Well lemme go grab my pajamas cause it is time for some more Zzzzzzzzzzzs. Also in case you’re not convinced that Christopher Nolan is a snooze, remember this: he brought us the story for Man of Steel and recently announced the remaking of MEMENTO (puke).
Hollywood, when will you learn? Don’t you know we want something different? Can’t you see we are ready for it? Personally my vote is: Kathryn Bigelow calling the shots and Emily Blunt (Gillian Anderson runner up) asking for the martinis shaken, not stirred. Her name is: Bond, Jane Bond.
*I must credit the possible creators of "Movieyawn": Joann Gruffy and Alison Horn
Tell us your favorite sports flick by leaving a comment below. We will choose one winner at random and announce it on next's week Can't Care post. Entries due June 16. Winner will receive some back issues of Moviejawn and the entire Official Moviejawn Trading Card Set. Good luck!