Welcome to this week’s installment of Can’t Care, Moviejawn’s weekly roundup of all the entertainment news we just can’t care about.
Rosalie Kicks!, Old Sport
I am sure it comes as no surprise that your favorite Old Sport CAN’T CARE about the Furious 8 movie. Fast cars, pumped up muscle men, ladies in scraps of fabric: NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. One of my dear friends even tried to convince me that it was just mindless entertainment that has you leaving the theater adrenaline-filled, ready to house an entire pizza and kick over trash cans. Meh.
As the headlines keep popping up in my face feed, I have been scrolling on by. “Fast 8 will be filmed all around the World.” “Charlize Theron attached.” “The Stunts will be MORE Furious then EVVVVER.” Snooze cruise. This thing is so lame. I couldn’t even muster up enough energy to not care about it. When a series has more sequels than I can count on a single hand I wave the little white flag and do this:
But then the news was released that Helen Mirren will be joining the cast. My first reaction was:
Helen, you old sport, what are you doing? You’re better than this. Please don’t tell me that you are going to be playing Charlize’s mom! Or even worst, a grandma. I just can’t. You should be making more pictures with Deadpool and having cocktails with Hiddleston. You can do whatever you want, you’re a total babe. I hope I’ll look this good when I’m your age. The lady is 70! and looks amazinggggg.
As I kept processing the headline: “Helen Mirren Joins Fast 8” – I kept thinking she has gotta have an old trick up her sleeve. Helen, she’s just simply to cool of a cat to be playing someone’s grandma. Oh no no. She’s gonna be running this thing. That old sport, she has foiled us once again and when this thing hits theaters you’re gonna find her behind the wheel, saying “Dwayne Johnson, know your role.” Otherwise, this Old Sport…CAN’T CARE.
Jaime Davis, The Fixer
Once upon a time, a fairy princess and a magical antihero-superhero from another world went on a date. And they snogged...and snogged...and snogged...and snogged...for all the kingdom to see. He wore $400 shoes, she wore cherry red lipstick. And everyone in the land collectivly lost they shit because, with this holy of holy unions, they knew that peace and harmony would finally reign down on all.
Nah I'm just talking about Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston. Because they damn near broke the internet this week as the world discovered their 'amour.' Frankly, I'd love to call bullshit on this, because their kissy kiss kiss photos came out right around the same time that Kim Kardashian called Tay out for some shit I don't think anyone really cares about in a magazine I never read. But it's textbook PR spin. I mean, peep that Sun headline! Tinker Tailor Snogs a Spy. Damn, that's a good pun. Whoever wrote that deserves $50M British pounds, a lifetime supply of La Croix, and regular afternoon tea dates with the motherfucking Queen of England. Now all anyone can talk about is Swiddleston and Thumb Hiddlestorm or whatever. Look, I've been a fan of Hiddles for many years (even though one or two of my friends would tell me that they saw him first). So all the attention thrown his way at the moment is fucking hilarious to me. I actually read an article this morning with the headline "Who is Tom Hiddleston, Taylor Swift's New Man Friend?" Guys. If you don't know who Tom Hiddleston is by now, than I am very, very sorry for you. Not only is he one devilishly good-lookin' feller, but he is British. He is more than just British Cute, which is Cute Because You Have an Accent. No, Hiddles is just flat out H A N D S O M E and B R I T I S H. British Handsome. Which is a lethal combo if ever there was one. And he is a smooth dancer, you know? And have you seen him all naked in Only Lovers Left Alive? Girlll, yes.
And their 'relationship' came about because they apparently dance battled to Beyoncé's Crazy in Love at a Met Gala party last month. Christ. I go to parties all the time. Why am I not having epic dance battles to Beyoncé songs with Hiddles or TaySwift?
Anyway, I just want to say: I don't think this is a love for the ages. Or even one that's gonna last beyond the three month mark. But as my friend Bethany, a rabid Hiddles supporter, said upon hearing the news yesterday: "I just want him to be happy." So, Tom, if Taylor is the Thor to your Loki then I 287% support you. But if you're involved in some weird Hollywood PR shenanigans circus to boost your career, then what the actual fuck? I don't believe you would do anything like that, because you don't need to. And you're awesome. And above all that. So I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt on this one. Can't wait to see how this all shapes up.
And in other jokes-on-us Hollywood clown news, they're making yet ANOTHER A Star is Born movie. Nothing, or no one, can ever top the MOTHERFUCKING MASTERPIECE that is 1954's A Star is Born with Judy Garland. Not even Barbra Streisand's vocals of pure 24k gold could touch it. SO WHY REMAKE THIS AGAIN. WHYYYYY. I haven't even told you the best part: Bradley Cooper is directing it. And starring in it. And guess who he wants to play opposite him as his Mrs. Norman Maine? LADY GAGAAAAAAAAAAA. Who I happen to love. But none of this makes any goddamn sense. Am I currently living in the series finale of St. Elsewhere? Am I going to wake up and realize I'm nothing more than an extra in a snow globe controlled by an autistic child? Because THAT would make more motherfluffing sense to me right now than this remake does. Gah, Hollywood, I wish I knew how to quit you.
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