Welcome to this week’s installment of Can’t Care, Moviejawn’s weekly roundup of all the entertainment news we just can’t care about.
Francis Friel, The Projectionist
Well-met, friends. Wanna know what I can't care about?
Darth Vader. In any flavor.
It's been a common complaint that the Star Wars universe seems to consist of about five people and their ever-tightening circles of family and allies. I've never really minded that, to be honest. As portrayed, it's not bad. But the prequels increasingly made the case that the stories were told that way for A Reason (or, attempted to make that case, anyway). But the focus on Vader has always bewildered me.
He's not a very interesting character. He trained as a Jedi, jumped that sinking ship and started smoking and skipping school with the Dark Side, and just never kind of grew out of his gawky goth phase. His new friends liked him ok but were kind of a bunch of bullies. But he eventually grew into his new digs and became the most Vader mothertrucker in the galaxy.
But all cause some girl he had a crush on was kind of a dick to him and then died? Feels like that story could've use a few more passes, I don't know.
But - they're sticking his big dorky ass in ROGUE ONE: A CARE BEARS STORY. Like it wasn't inevitable. The freaking thing takes place like five minutes before the original STARE WARES. Dude was gonna show up. And I can't care.
Wasn't he just a plot device for Young Skywalker to learn to overcome his petty bullshit and become a Hero? I think?
Wait. Side note...how dumb is the name Skywalker. It's this great sci-fi mythological-sounding name that they kind of ruined by making it just his name. It's his mom's name. And no one else in this series has a name like that. It's all a bunch of Lucas-language gibberish except for "Skywalker." It's a dumb name. Also "Pink Floyd" is an absolutely atrocious name for a band. I cannot believe they never changed their name.
This is a long time ago in a galaxy way too far away for me to care about anymore. I like THE FORCE AWAKENS a lot. More than I should. For really weird reasons, besides it being a well-made remake of a remake.
But obsessing over this Vader business makes my head hurt. He's a bad guy. A poorly-written one. He's a total dork.
Can't this just be a standalone story? Is DISNEY (dun-dun-DUUUUUNNNNN) really so afraid people won't understand that the eighth movie in this endless franchise is part of that franchise? I'm so confused. Don't need Vader.
Folks, I am worn out on Vader. He's a total traitor and a skater and a belly-acher. And he vapes. I don't like him.
I liked when he crushed that guys throat tho. And when he murdered a bunch of little kids. That was fuckin DARK, Darth. Christ.
I'm gonna see ROGUE ONE because movies are all that matter and this is the life we chose. But I can't care about Robot Mask. Not even a little bit.
Maybe if he hits the wrong button and resets the timeline and erases the previous seven movies so the writers can finally be free of this stress. I like time travel movies a great deal.
Rosalie Kicks!, Old Sport
Recently your favorite Old Sport watched Eli Roth's movie Knock Knock. Guess what?! IT STINKS!
I watched this pile of trash a couple weeks ago and as the credits rolled I found myself being all like:
Eli Roth: I simply can't care. You got me this time Roth...luring me in with Keanu. But I'm on to your tricks now. You have wasted enough of my time. Eli: I am quitting you.
Speaking of quitting. Where has that old sport, Jim Carrey been? Did he quit Hollywood? OH! That's right, he has been busy making Dumb & Dumber sequels. Can't care. I also can't care about him crawling from underneath his rock to team up with Spe**lb*rg's stooge: Eli Roth.
This partnership is doomed. Has Eli seen The Number 23? You know the one where Jim Carrey is gothic, draped in leather, and plays a sax? This movie alone should have ended his career. No one asked for this nightmare. Mr. Carrey, if you think that Eli is going to be your golden ticket back to fame, think again. His films are flash in the pan successes at best. Here and gone. Eli Roth - I simply can't care what this dude is working on.
Jaime Davis, The Fixer
This morning I cried into my Chocolate Weetabix cereal as I read the news about the UK's vote to leave the EU. Goddamit, Farage, you xenophobic piece of nationalist trash. Hey, Americans, we're looking into a MFing crystal ball today - can we all sit up and take notice? Andddd by the way, Chocolate Weetabix is the best cottdamn cereal in the whole world - if anyone wants to get me an early birthday present, you know what to do.
So what's a girl to do when she's feeling down about the world's shittiness? Head to her local movieplex of course. Let's see...what's playing in big budget movieland this week [*thumbs through newspaper like it's 1999*]...ok, Independence Day: Resurgence, The Shallows, Free State of Jones...WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK, YOU GUYS. This is all we get this weekend? The world is crumbling before our very eyes, Walking Dead-style, and we get a piece of alien invasion/Ammurikuh propaganda nonsense, Surfin' USA: The Blake Lively Story, and McConaughey Oscar-hustlin' as a liberal in the Civil War-era south? Fudgeeeeee this. I'd rather hole up in my house and buy the entire Harry Potter film catalog on iTunes like I've been threatening to do for the past few months and watch them over and over and over, reciting all the spells, yelling whenever Umbridge is onscreen, and pretending I'm at Hogwarts. Because Hogwarts is my home. Forever and ever, amen.
Anydoodles, why do we need Independence Day: Resurgence? W H Y. I saw the original when I turned 17 with my dad and brother (my birthday's on July 3rd) so I'll be damned if I spend my 37th seeing Liam Hemsworth in ANYTHING, let alone Vivica A. Fox reprising her role as Will Smith's wife. Also, Will, where da fuq you be? You got better things to do with your time? I FIND THIS VERY HARD TO BELIEVE. The only person I excuse for agreeing to be in this is His Royal Highness King Jeffrey Lynn Goldblum, because he could star in a reboot of the Baby Geniuses franchise and I would still run out and see that shit.
Everyone, listen up: these are dark times, there is no denying. Our world has perhaps faced no greater threat than it does today. Aw fucking forget this, I'm watching Harry Potter.