Welcome to this week’s installment of Can’t Care, Moviejawn’s weekly roundup of all the entertainment news we just can’t care about.
Francis Friel, The Projectionist
I always wanted to be a part of something. Like a social group or a community. Or a club. Or a GANG.
Starting Moviejawn last year felt like I finally belonged to something. And getting the Inner Circle onboard quickly solidified my dreams. And now that we are the World-Dominating Super Power that we are it is time to come clean and completely undo all of that goodwill.
A portion of the Moviejawn gang will very soon be in the news as suspects in my murder case for what I am about to disclose. Because I am about to be ousted from the gang. Blacklisted forever, all good will gone, trust evaporated and replaced with resentment and rage.
Because, friends...I do not understand or give a fuck about Stephen King. Not even a little bit.
I used to. Honest. But re-reading all that shit has made me realize that he can't write. He's corny and obvious and his style is just above the books I used to steal from my junior high school library, books about haunted places and UFOs and demonic possessions. F that guy.
So it will come as no surprise that I can't care about this IT remake or which young actor I can't care about is being cast in it. Can't care. Don't even want to try.
IT is a book I read very young, then again in high school, then again in my mid-20s. And it's terrible. And the early-90s movie version is even worse.
"But this'll be an improvement!" you scream in my face like the blacked-out witch demon in THE NIGHTMARE (a movie you should watch if you haven't already). No, it won't be. The material is weak. It's the worst kind of weird cool nostalgia garbage that baby boomers have been force-feeding everyone since the beginning. Don't care that there's an eternal demon orchestrating things. Don't care that it's about responsibility and memory and coming-of-age-togetherness that I normally eat up. It's crap, folks.
Can't even care that my boy C Joji F is still behind the wheel (I think? I've heard conflicting things. The Fixer says he's out, but who the goddamn hell knows). A guy I secretly worship and would worship more openly if I was comfortable admitting I had heroes. He can't save this sinking battleship. Nobody can.
This kid they cast as Pennypoop The Clown may even be good for the role. He looks like a worn-out soccer cleat, though. Don't know if I trust him. In fact I don't know if I trust anyone involved in this project if they all think, for whatever disparate Hollywood reasons they might have, that this is their best option for a movie that will cost that much money and drain years from their lives and from the movie-going public. I DON'T TRUST YOU.
Please join me. Boycott this and all future book adaptations. We've had a solid run. 109 years is enough. PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU just write a movie. Any movie. Something original. No more books or comics or musicals. Just make movies. I've devoted my life to this goofball art form and my patience is wearing thin. Give me something to care about. Because as of now I just can't care.
Rosalie Kicks!, Old Sport
Last summer, your favorite old sport made a huge mistake. I watched TMNT.
What in the hell was I thinking?! Wellllll I guess I thought it would be entertaining. I thought maybe it wouldn't be so bad and that it would give me that ole' nostalgic feeling. I'd want to call up my younger brother and say: Hey bro remember that time when we were at that Ren Fair and mom bought us those turtle masks and we wore them to the grocery store...we were so cool and the turtles are soooo rad. Of course, that would mean I would have to use my phone for more than just texting and that I would have had to actually enjoy this thing. NOT HAPPENING.
Something should have told me that this was going to be a terrible error in judgement when it took close to a half hour for the turtles to grace us with their appearance on the screen. THEORY: Hollywood was so disgusted by their appearance that they didn't want us to see the horror they created. Instead, they give us 30 solid minutes of Megan Fox...hoping we would get lost in the plot and completely forget where we are. Guys, wow were those turtles gross and thank god for whiskey. I kinda just remember shaking my head/fist in complete disbelief. Just like Kevin Costner I had so many questions: how did this thing get made? How did they make something look so absolutely repulsive? How do you mess up a story that is already there, when all it needed was a refresh? How do special effects from films in the 1920s look better than today?
Someone would assume that after the terrible reviews, Hollywood would pack it in and call it a day on the Turtles. Send them packing to the sewer where they belong never to see the light of day and hope that we all just forget about it. Hope that we will be too lost waiting for the next universe to be created that we won't even be looking for our heroes in a half shell. No statement would be made, the turtles would just vanish. POOF.
Gotta let you in on a secret: guys, Hollywood hates us. They absolutely want to watch us burn and make our eyes bleed. This is why they gave us a TURTLES SEQUEL and this old sport simply CAN'T CARE. I refuse to see this thing they call a movie. It is an atrocity and your favorite old sport will not be foiled by these clowns. They will not trick me with their reviews stating that it goes for "a retro-feel good flavor..." My ass. This thing is rotten and I refuse to care.
I also can't care about: the Keira Knightley fiasco/apology. Keira, who cares - someone told you that you can't act. After seeing this article appear on my Facebook feed my initial thought: well, that is not very nice. And as my mother told me "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it all." But the thing is guys, name a movie that Keira was actually good in? I can't. I simply can't care about this actress and anything she is doing. She makes a lot of period pieces = snooze cruise. Oh and she made a bunch of pirate movies with TOTAL POOP Depp = eye rolls. And this end of the world thing. Point is - she is not a stand out actress. She doesn't ruin a movie, but she doesn't make a movie either. She is kinda just there hanging out and I simply can't care.