Welcome to this week’s installment of Can’t Care, Moviejawn’s weekly roundup of all the entertainment news we just can’t care about.
Francis Friel, The Projectionist
Tom Hiddleston looks like a big British foot and has the eyes of a serial killer and I therefore can't care about his dumb SKULL ISLAND movie.
He's boring when he's doing gymnastics through a kaleidoscope in HIGH-RISE FULL OF DORKS, he's dumb as a lanky whiny vampire in ONLY DORKS LEFT ALIVE, he's British as that guy with the giant bug costume in THOR: THE DORK WORLD...now he's gonna fight King Kong. Or catch him. Or train him. Or sic him on an island full of skulls. Who cares? Who even CAN care? Not me.
And he's dragging the ROOMMATE along with him. Hasn't she had enough to deal with? Why is this movie being made? Maybe it's Huddlehouse's dream project. It's the whole reason he became an actor. That someday he'd get to eat King Kong. Or what if he got confused and thought it was a DONKEY Kong movie! Like how Bill Murray (who beats his wife, you drooling Bill Murray apologists) thought that GARFIELD movie was written by the Coen brothers. Which didn't happen. He didn't think that. That story is a lie. So Hubblescope thought he was making the Donkey Kong movie and now he's stuck with this Movie of Skulls. Boring. Can't care.
I bet ol' Tommy doesn't even know what he's doing. Like, he's a Manchurian Candidate. Autopilot. Does that he's told. Poor old sport. But does he ever wake up at night in horror after having a nightmare about playing a space bug in the THORN movies and go "MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME????" Then his handler has to rush into the room or repel from the ceiling and has to give him an emergency shot of Eternal Sunshine to the brain. Then he's back into his Hiddledream. Safe and warm. A dork.
I wonder what fans of this beanstalk will think about when they look back at his long-ish career and how much they liked him. He's Ryan O'Neal. He needs a Kubrick to take him out of the box and make fun of him in front of the whole world, BARRY LYNDON-style.
More than that, again, though...KING KONG? Really? Again? Fuuuuuuudge, I can't care. Not even a little bit. The last time I watched the P Jackson version I was so stoned it looked like everything was made of fake twinkly stars. So that movie sucks now.
Giant apes. Giant dinosaurs on giant skull islands. Giant British people and Roommate. That's not a movie. What's the purpose of all this? Why aren't these directors on strike? Why aren't actors dropping like flies on these projects? Why is Michael Foozeballer starring in ASSASSIN'S CREED (trailer is tight tho)? Who's picking these projects? Who is the casting director that is controlling Hollywood right meow? I want that person's name on a billboard. In every city, right next to all the moviehouses.
Our nightmare has to end.
Or it doesn't. I can't care. When does MICROBE AND GASOLINE come out?
Rosalie Kicks!, Old Sport
Quentin Tarantino is sticking to his guns and putting his foot down.
Audiences around the world should prepare themselves for the end is near for cinema as we know it. The great & powerful old sport, Tarantino has stated that after film #10 he is done. Finito. Kaput. Finished.
Guys! Do you know what this means?! We can only count on two more Quentin romps. Two! MORE!!! OMG. CAN’T CARE.
This guy. Seriously, can you believe the nerve of this guy? Does he really think he is still relevant after giving us that Kill Bill thing? Remember when he made us go the theater twice for that? Why was it two movies? Oh. Right! The Weinsteins thought it would be a good idea to give their old pal Quinn “Carte Blanche” - cause after all he built Miramax.
Or let’s talk about that time he shot 70mm indoors and then tried convincing everyone that it was such a great idea to waste film. Gotta get those close ups - those intimate close ups. Might as well of set a match to it, at least the fire would have been more interesting to watch cause that movie can’t care. Sigh. This dude has gone bonkers, his mind is gone. Honestly, is it even OK for him to be making two more films? Maybe he should stop now. I can’t care.
Jaime Davis, The Fixer
Another week, another shitshow on the world stage. Donald Trump announces his pick for VP and there's more turmoil and terrorism in France. Guys, what the hell is going on? I seriously can't deal.
And in more trivial news, it's hot as motherfucking balls here in Philly. Like just flat out swampy. Like need-three-showers-a-day level gross. This weather is good for only three things: 1. Eating ice cream, all day, erry day. 2. Swimming, duh. 3. Sitting in air-conditioned darkness watching MOVIES. So Hollywood, whatcha got for me over the next few hellish weeks? Umm, it's kinda horrifying actually. Sorry I asked. Studios, are you fuckin with us (again)?
This weekend we have Ghosbusters. And I was initially super-psyched for the femme reboot but now I'm all jaded about it. Like, the trailers are SO BAD and slightly unwatchable. And Hemsworth seems completely unfunny and useless (but I'll report back after watching. Maybe he'll surprise me). Oh what's that you ask? Oh yeah, no, I'm totally gonna see it. I've already bought my ticket because who you gonna call when it's sweltering outside and you just wanna get away? Yeah I should stop stunting because I was always gonna see this. Haters gonna hate and raters gonna rate.
And then we have Nerve, which is being released in the US July 27. Emma Roberts and The Other Franco in a pseudo-psychological action gaming thriller for millennials who can't get off they dang phones? Nah I'll take a hard pass on this one. This shit looks like an after-school special gone bananas, and not the good Gwen Stefani kind of bananas. Or maybe it feels like a bad MTV movie from the late 90s / early 00s. Don't matter cause HARD. PASS.
Let's talk about Nine Lives, because this "movie" has come up in more conversations I've had in the past week than like, anything of dire importance. It's coming out August 5 so let's all get out the way and run and hide. RUN. AND HIDE. Is this movie yet another sign of the coming apocalypse? If you haven't heard about it, THE Kevin Spacey plays a busy busy businessman who gets turned into a motherfucking cat in order to learn important life lessons. I'm sorry, yes. YOU READ ALL OF THAT CORRECTLY. It's like a movie that would be in a movie making fun of other Hollywood movies. And I don't know about you, but I'm seriously worried about Jennifer Garner, who is also in this. I'm so worried that I'm on the phone to her agent right fucking now to fire that sonofabee. Someone please, please rescue her from the depths of dispair that her career has floundered to. Kevin Spacey? You're on your own bro.