Welcome to this week’s installment of Can’t Care, Moviejawn’s weekly roundup of all the entertainment news we just can’t care about.
Francis Friel, The Projectionist
I hope everyone is sitting down. I have some bad news. In fact, it's terrible news. Tragic. 2016 has already been a rough year. We lost Bowie, Prince, Rickman, Cranston, Morrissey, and now we're getting the news that I think is gonna rock Hollywood to the core. That big ugly sign is gonna come crumbling down the mountain (she'll be crumbling down the mountain when she comes).
Damon. Matt Damon. The one and only Jason Bourne. You're favorite version of Will Hunting. Hoodie Angel from DOGMA. Astronaut from Ridley Scott's THE ASTRONAUT. Has retired from acting. What are we gonna do now.
I mean, like, he's taking a year off. Not retiring. But Christ, can you blame him? He just made four movies in a row (in a ROW!) with one more already in the (shit)can. He needs a break. I remember the last time I worked four days in a row. I came into work, almost crawling, trying to not let my Bosses know I'd been sobbing, and said "I.. I can't do it...It's...It's too many...Too many days...It's been four days..." And they looked at me, understanding...and fired me.
No. That didn't happen. Why isn't Demon being fired from Hollywood? Why are we letting him stick around? How has he even stuck around this long? He's always late. His best work is only when he's working with the best managers. "Oh! But remember that time he was here right on time and got all his work done and even got his co worker to finally do good work too? And we even gave him Employee of the Month as a result? And he did it all without even being asked to?" Yes. I remember that day. It was twenty years ago.
Dude has a new action thriller on thousands of Cinema Screens this weekend. Another JASON BOURNE JAWN. Everyone. Deep breath...
I can't care.
He's so tired! Look at his eyes. Hear the sorrow on his breath. The hurt in his words. We had him and we took him for granted and now he's leaving us to fend for ourselves. What will we do? Keep watching movies? But WHERE WILL WE GET NEW MOVIES WITHOUT GOOF WILL HUNTING?
Oh, that's right. They're remaking shit again. Feel like we've been here before...
Have you seen JUMANJI? That movie about the monkey boy and the Robin Williams and the cop who just can't stop having wacky misadventures? (Am I thinking of the right movie? I'm moving ahead anyway). And there's like a touching scene involving a supermarket looting? That movie? Well they're making another one. And all your favorite DUDES are in it.
You've got: THE ROCK. My man. He's a loony tune kinda dorky ex-fake wrestler and he's also BIG AS SHIT so thank god he's in this. We'll look forward to his antics. Maybe he's playing the same fool he played in PAIN AND GAIN. He has to convince JUMANJI (played in this version by Kevin Hart) to steal all the gold from the monkey boy kingdom and clean up all the blood from the carpet. And he's also Hercules in this version and also a Superhero (I forget which one). And he's tall, and he walks tall. In keeping with theme.
Right. Kevin Hart. He's in this bucket of blood, too. Hollywood: give this guy a day off. He just made four movies in a row (IN A ROW!) with JUMANJI still to come.
I worked at a movie theater during the Hartaissance and let me tell you: this guy PRINTS MONEY. In the year he put out three movies in the same 12-month period, those movies were the only ones guaranteed to bring in the crowds. This guy is the real deal. And Hollywood, to show their gratitude, is making it clear that they have absolutely no idea what to do with him. Zero. No clue. So: stick him in the Zoobalee Zoo remake I guess. He can play the Ghost of Robin Willams. He'll be in good company too cause they just announced that Nick "The King of Pop" Jonas is also gonna be in this fucking trashcan movie. Nick. Jonas. The workers are going home. The workers are going home. The workers are going home.
I bet Nick Jonas knows a lot of people who work at Nickelodeon. In my experience, Nicks stick together (imagine a thousand Nicks, taking the streets, "NICKS STICK TOGETHER!") I bet he knows crew people. Set people from Nickelodeon. I bet he bribed one of them (a cute one) with a tempeh breakfast sandwich from Grindcore House (he gets them air-dropped in to his island compound from South Philly every morning). "Here, cutie, try this bite. I saved the best bite for you." [wink]
And in return that person talked to their contact at the Hollywood Remake Castle and now he's gonna be up in this fucker, too. Is there NO END to this INSANITY? What is the rational scientific explanation for this madness? Oh. Right. I can't care. Even a little bit.
BUT at least the new JUMANJI will star some people of color. That's a good modern day twist.
Shit. Is that weird? To call the casting of a black lead in a remake a modern twist? Yes. It is. I thought it was also weird that that's what was said about the casting of the black female lead in the new ROCKETEER remake remodel reboot resurgence. But. Um. I can't care.
Should Hollywood stop ignoring all the talented POC so as not to upset the gross rednecks who are about to elect a slobbering tangerine as our New President? Yes. Obviously. Should they keep burying them in dumb fucking remakes? YES. OBVIOUSLY. This hype reminds me of the GHOSTBUSTERS remake that came out a few years ago (or was it only a couple weeks ago?). Everyone's excited. It's so revolutionary. Girls are finally gonna get to see themselves as Ghostbusters and Rocketeers. But. But. Huh? Paul "Fucking" Feig made that movie. That fucker. And cast ladies because he thinks it makes him look "progressive" (my eyes are rolling so far back in my head I can see my own memories. There I am losing my first tooth...There I am getting dumped at a Christmas party...There I am reading that Fonzie's kid is directing the Rocketeer reboot). These films aren't revolutionary in the LEAST, my friends. They are cash-grab fake Hollywood REPRESENTATION to shut you up long enough to not notice (or care) that all these movies are still being directed by juiced-in white guys. Fuck these movies. Where are all the movies being directed by women, people of color, non-binary folx...They're nowhere. At least not in Hollywood. The Dream Factory.
So here we have a new Rocketeer. A movie I'm told is just tremendous but that I remember being kind of a mess. And ugly. And just kind of trying to do Indiana Jones Lite. Should we remake this? Maybe give it one more shot? At the power? The glory? I can't care. Not now, not ever.
But wait I'm not done talking shit about Paul Feig.
Feig just made a bunch of features in a row (IN A ROW!) starring women. Good for him. He's so great. I can't care. I'm sick of people falling for this Mr. Brainwash shit. Clean up your act, MOVIES. Or Lynne Ramsay will clean it up for you.
Rosalie Kicks!, Old Sport
Guys. Hollywood. Is. Dead.
It is now being run by pasty legged vampires obsessed with death, who get their kicks off making our eyes bleed. Goodbye to the "Golden Age of Cinema." Hello to the "Death of Cinema." Are you guys ready for it? For the day when we file into the theater only to find ourselves sitting in darkness, staring at a blank screen. This will be the moment when Hollywood takes their final bite.
Guys the writing is on the wall: Regal Entertainment recently reported a decline in summer box office revenues. I'm not really surprised. Was there even a summer blockbuster this year? These old sports gave us nothing. Was there even a picture that wasn't a sequel or a remake (sorry, but it is)? Oh! that's right Hollywood, you made a movie about a game that no one has cared about since the early 2000s...way to stay on top of things old sport. Or how about that other thing you lobbed at us that took 20 f'n years to make...not even Goldblum could save that sinking ship.
This is all just a big joke to them now. That is why they are giving us this piece of SHIT.
I'm still really trying to understand how in the hell M. Night mother f'n Shyamalan is making movies. How is this guy still around? I have not cared about this dude for close to a decade. Yet, I still find myself perplexed. This guy can make movies, but you don't allow Lynne Ramsay? I just can't care about this guy. Whatever the twist is, can't care. Whatever, this hack director is making can't care. IF I want to watch someone attempt to pay tritbute to Hitchcock, I'm gonna choose De Palma over M. Night any day of the week. The fact that Hollywood allows this guy behinds the camera proves that cinema is truly dead.
Jaime Davis, The Fixer
I heard something very disturbing today. Something that made me curl up into a ball, hide under my work desk, suck my thumb, and cry tear upon white girl tear. Because they're remaking one of the best movies about female friendship EVER CREATED. No I'm not talking about Steel Magnolias. Not Thelma & Louise. No, not Romy and Michele's High School Reunion either. Oh...no I didn't mean Fried Green Tomatoes. Or How to Make an American Quilt or Clueless or Mystic Pizza or the Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya's or whatever. NO. I'm talking about the one, the only: BEACHES. This movie has everything: a young-ass ham named motherfucking Mayim Bialik, the Jersey Shore in all its Jersey-ness and gaudy glory, amazing songs about bras, weird performance-y theater art, the dad from Home Alone, cute little kids, rags to riches to rags and back storylines, heartwrenching twists and turns, oh and BETTE FUCKING MIDLER. Barbara Hershey is in this too, but whatevs. She's brunette and boringgg as all get out. Let's not forget that one of the greatest songs ever recorded, Wind Beneath My Wings, was birthed outta Beaches. Wind Beneath My Wings! Guys, I sang this song in chorus in middle school and C-R-I-E-D during the performance, that's how emo this song (and movie) make me. And now Deadline is reporting that a small screen remake is coming to a Lifetime channel near you in 2017 starring Idina Menzel in the Midler role. Whattttttttt. In the words of the immortal CC Bloom (Midler's character in Beaches): "It looks like a flamingo threw up in here!" Ok that...has nothing to do with my point. I guess my point is that I love Idina Menzel. A lot. She's one of the many queens of my heart and I would probably follow her down a rabbit hole if she sang Let It Go over and over. But I gotta be me and be honest about this: I'm not super thrilled. Because Lifetime has burned me before. I was super excited when the network announced their Steel Magnolias remake with an all-black cast, including Queen Latifah, Phylicia Rashad, Alfre Woodard, and Jill Scott. Don't get me wrong, this cast is phenomenal, but watching was underwhelming to say the least. The dialogue is almost verbatim to the original! Which should be fine, I love the original and know almost all the lines. But I feel like if you're going to have the balls to remake a classic, then fucking REMAKE. A. CLASSIC. Update, don't regurgitate. And that's not to say I won't watch the Beaches redeux. I mean, we all know I will. In the words of the beloved CC Bloom, "Well sure...we're friends, aren't we?"