Welcome to this week’s installment of Can’t Care, Moviejawn’s weekly roundup of all the entertainment news we just can’t care about.
Francis Friel, The Projectionist
Lions and witches and wardrobes, oh shit! They're bringing back that Narnia hit!
These weak-as-hell movies that made tons of money
But I'm here to report that I can't care, honey.
They're stupid and pointless and long as forever
As my co-worker would say, "I'd rather be watching Heathers"
I never could tell if these movies were jokes
On masses of unsuspecting Christian folks
The first three were boring as watching paint dry
And I kind of wish all adaptations would die
Just give us a story that's new, fresh, and cool
Stop making us feel like a bunch of dumb fools
Hollywood squeezes the blood out of books
Cause they think audiences don't know where else they should look
These lions and children and lamp posts and princes
Get covered in gore when the audience winces
At the giant reptilian money-hungry machine
They turn on when they realize their hands aren't so clean
"These books are all classics, and young people love 'em!"
I'm gonna go stick my head in the oven
The Silver Chair one will be weakest of all
As Kicks! would say "Gimme back Bogey! Bacall!"
I'm not saying all of the books are bad
But I've also seen books that are equally rad
Get chewed up and puked onto cinema screens
And each time I say "That's the worst thing I've seen!"
I'm dreaming of Trainspotting, Morvern Callar
Other book adaptations that set a high bar
Don't give me this shit of "Some books can't be done!"
Cause Spewberg's about to drop Ready Player One
Kubrick just made all the books that he liked
But other directors can just take a hike
I'm sick of the remakes and reboots and novels
Just made to line walls of the blood-drinkers' hovels
With Oscars and handshakes and death-stares that say
"Make what we tell you or it'll all go away"
They control the careers of directors they pick
To remake these movies and remake me sick
To film all the stories I've already read
It's enough to make me stick a gun to my head
Narnia is full of this magical stuff
That readers might know isn't just kiddie fluff
It's deeper and weirder than you might remember
I know that I read them one time in September
In junior high wishing they'd just never end
Then I thought "Oh! These should be movies instead!
Movies are better! A language I know!
Come on now Hollywood! Go! Go! Go!"
I got what I asked for
It hardly seems fair
That I could just summon this shit from thin air
That the bloody and gross evil Hollywood kings
Would hear me and say "Give him all of the things.
The movies he wants are the ones we want to.
Just wait, he'll grow up, and his money will, too.
He'll stand in a line, can't believe his good fortune,
That we've given this new cinematic abortion
To a whole generation that just doesn't know
That the money all came from the shadows below
We can just keep on churning out Narnia jawns
Who cares if the wait will always seem long
Two years or five, they'll still come to see 'em
So we can keep paying these actor per diems
These things don't come cheap, but they're guaranteed winners
Who cares if the audience patience grows thinner!"
Well FUCK YOU, ya dorks
I won't do it anymore
I'll come to your castle and break down the door
I know what I like and I don't have to wonder
If one of these things will be weak like the others
It's a factory-sealed brand new Hollywood Dream
Of visions and magic we've already seen
So fuck all this noise
Go 'head, make Silver Chair
But just keep in mind
That you know I can't care.