Welcome to this week’s installment of Can’t Care, Moviejawn’s weekly roundup of all the entertainment news we just can’t care about.
Francis Friel, The Projectionist
Know what I can't fucking care about I'll tell you I can't fucking care about these fucker movie websites and critics who can't even be bothered to get the simplest of hecking facts checked like this week some dork on a shitty website made an offhand comment about how POWDER was directed by Tim Burton which it fucking WASN'T it was actually directed by convicted CHILD SEX OFFENDER Victor Salva and then the AV Club STUPIDLY reprinted that error before removing it I guess because they were in so much of a garsh dang rush to publish something meaningless by some random deadline which by the way is all they're good for anymore since their entire senior writing staff jumped off that volcano a few yards back so now they're stuck with F'ING DORKS who blindly and robotically just print that Tim Burton directed something he didn't fucking direct because some OTHER BAD PERSON WHO DOESN'T KNOW MOVIES AND THEREFORE SHOULDN'T BE GETTING PAID TO WRITE ABOUT MOVIES said it and UGGGHHH I would be so stinkin' mad about it but the truth is that I can't care and I want them to fail because people seem to think that writing about movies is something that just anybody can do and it FUCKING ISN'T and christ on a caterpillar even EBERT would constantly FUCK UP and get simple facts wrong in his reviews that would sometimes even color his opinion of those films and I would want to scream cause he was MY GUY but there is so much of this rampant disregard for what it takes to actually have an understanding of what movies really are and what purpose they serve but no no it's fine let these goddam HACKS keep their jobs and keep FUCKING UP because most people DON'T EVEN NOTICE but I do and we do and it's out of control but I welcome it because there will be blood in the streets and we will march and take back the art of writing about movies and I'll be screaming I CAN'T CARE I CAN'T CARE I CAN'T CARE as I burn Andrew Sarris paperbacks and toss them into dumpsters behind the offices of all the offending newspapers and websites who will perish while behind me thousands more of my fellow movielovers will be ripping into autographed copies of Nathan Rabin books with their teeth and spitting out the pulpy remains for birds to use to build nests that will sit atop the flaming ruins of Jan Weiner's Dark Tower and he'll watch from his window as we gather all the innocents and stroll at sunset by the green and boiling sea and burn every bridge that leads backwards into the darkness at the spiraling bent and broken-boned center of every word ever published by Armond White who is admittedly an easy target but there it is FUCKING TRY ME.
Rosalie Kicks!, Old Sport
These days everyone thinks they can be a film director. It’s easy old sport...you know just throw some film in a camera (or video tape, disk—whatever, doesn’t matter…it’s simple), stand around, roll the sound, clap that slate, point some fingers, yell action…what’s so hard about that? Everyone’s doing it.
This time we are living in…it’s so exciting. All these actors becoming directors. All these people…aspiring to be the next Orson Welles. They are all so smart…geniuses. They know exactly what we need, what we deserve…Katie Holmes, Bradley Cooper, Ben Stiller, Clint Eastwood. What would we watch if it wasn’t for them? We would be lost. Our lives would be so dark.
Is this why Johnnie has decided that none of our precious little lives are complete without a BIG LEBOWSKI spin off? Maybe he is just annoyed cause the Coens never let him ad lib. He had some reallllly great lines for Jesus. Some realllllly funny stuff.
Barton Fink you are out of your element old sport. It terrifies me that there are actually people out there in this world that want this thing? I do NOT want to know these people. Not now. Not ever. These are not my kind of people. I think it pretty much proves my theory that I am not a person. I am film...from my head to my toes...film. Beings that are made of film realize that this spin off is a huge mistake. Hell, the Coens aren’t even acknowledging this pile. They don’t have time for it. Can’t care.
I imagine that the Coens heard of it though. In passing, on their way to their secret screenwriting cave someone said to them: “Guys, Turturro is making a Lebowski spin off.” The Coens replied: “No.” These guys can’t care. My theory is that they’ll allow ole’ Johnnie to get the film in the can and then send the Lincoln Lawyer on in.
The correspondence will simply state:
This movie: No.
However, Barton Fink the sequel is happening. We think you would be perfect. You almost have enough wrinkles.
The Coen Brothers
Jaime Davis, The Fixer
Some 17 years ago, a film came along that was so powerful, so engaging, so intelligent, it brought the masses together, cured world hunger, made angels weep, scored $54m at the box office, spawned memes and scenes in parody comedies, and launched some of its stars into the stratosphere FOREVER. Yes, of course I'm talking about 1999's high school-athletics-saga-in-a-small-Texas-town: Varsity Blues. And so cable channel CMT is giving the people what they want (???) - a real, honest to goodness Varsity Blues tv show! I hope the first episode will be called "I don't want your life." Do you think that line will be written into the show at some point? Gah, I supremely hope so. Or maybe it will be like the unofficial/official tag line for the main character? Like he'll say it every episode, and everyone will chuckle, kinda like a "How you doin'?" or an "OMG, they killed Kenny. You bastards!" Each episode we'll get a variation on "I don't want your life" - sometimes deadpan, sometimes with an exclamation at the end, maybe once delivered as a question. I can't freakin wait you guys. Setting that DVR right fucking now as we speak. (You can sense my internet sarcasm, right?)
And news hit the block this week that Jared Leto, seriously the best thug Joker that ever was, is gonna be in that new Blade Runner sequel shit. Christ on a cracker, I'm so tired of hearing about this. I'm probably one of the few that doesn't swoon at the mere mention of the dystopian film classic. I mean, I get it. I get why people are into it. And I like Ridley Scott a lot! And I love me some Harrison Ford TO DEATH. But guys, it's a little boring. And has some plot holes. And Sean Young. Ugh talk about bad acting! So can't we just leave the original alone? Or if studios MUST remake and reboot, then get to stepping on the next installation of Tron because Tron: Legacy was seriously the mothertrucking shit and everybody knows it. Where is the next Tron, huh? The one where Cillian Murphy rises to the top of ENCOM and wreaks havoc on the Flynn's. And Quorra I guess, because she lives in the real world now, too. TELL ME HOLLYWOOD, WHERE IS THE NEXT TRON...THIS IS SOMETHING THE PEOPLE ACTUALLY FRIGGIN WANT.