Welcome to this week’s installment of Can’t Care, Moviejawn’s weekly roundup of all the entertainment news we just can’t care about.
Rosalie Kicks!, Old Sport
Surprise, that old sport Clint Eastwood has officially lost his mind. My guess: It was scooped out by aliens with an ice cream scoop and replaced with some type of weird alien technology. That must be it! I’m sure everyone is going to be running out the door to see Sully now, Clint. It is good you used those IMAX cameras on a film no one is going to see. Way to go old sport! The only reason a “person” would see this movie: alien mind control. Best put on your foil helmets guys, they are coming.
Andddddddd speaking of Sully…remember when Tom Hanks was cool? Then he made this. And this. Oh right, and this. Wow Thomas, what the hell?! Old sport, you have made some really bad choices. Is it your goal to just have us all completely forget you even existed? Do you just want your career to go down in flames of fury?! When I was a kid, I thought you were great. I really enjoyed: The ‘Burbs, Big, A League of Their Own, That Thing You Do and Forest Gump. I even liked you in Catch Me if You can and Road to Perdition. And yep, I even sat through that remake of The LadyKillers for you…well mostly for the Coens, but I am throwing you a bone here. Wow, your career is just going down the toilet. It’s hard to believe that you were in Splash.
Surprisingly, your favorite Old Sport has not seen Splash. How do I even live? I didn’t even know it was a Ron Howard thing - not that I typically care about this old sport…just was a shocking factoid I learned today. This movie seems right up my sidewalk: an insane plot, Tom Hanks as a dork, and romance…swoon (yes your favorite old sport melts for the romance). Even with that said…guys, I can’t care about this remake. I know, I know this is the same song and dance we have discussed before. But seriously Hollywood you are killing us. Why not just re-release the old one? Why pay for someone to stand around and make the same thing again?! Ok – so you are going to put a fish tail on Channing Tatum, can’t care. I’d rather watch the original, I don’t want some copy…some imitation. NO! After those old sports in Hollywood broke the “exciting” news of this remake, I decided to reserve a copy of the original Splash from my local library. My plan is to watch this thing in the comfort of my robe and I’ll report back to you guys with my findings. Watch out for it.
In the meantime, we can all eye roll at Rebel Wilson. Girl, what you are doing? I’ll admit I don’t know much about this actress. After scrolling thru her filmography I realized I have not seen a single one of her pictures. Not a one. However, with these recent choices she has made I’ve decided: Rebel, I never want to know you. Do we really need Dirty Rotten Scoundrels to be remade AGAIN! Or Private Benjamin? Wow, two movies that I simply never cared about before are being remade again. Can’t wait. Hollywood, we are all jumping for joy. Hollywood you have lost your marbles. They are rolling around all over the floor and you are scrambling. People don’t want these rehashed stories, we want new stories - where have all the writers gone? They got to be around somewhere. Especially, after seeing Captain Fantastic (one of my favorites of 2016). When will these studio heads learn the power that they hold - the power to bring to life stories that we as an audience can relate to? We don’t need movies that we have already seen…we need movies that can help us understand the society we live in today, not yesterday. Why does it seem that movies that were being made 20 years ago had more of a message to say than some of this trash they are churning out now? Hollywood is on a highway to hell and it’s a shame to see Rebel Wilson about to get run over.
Jaime Davis, The Fixer
Another shit week from Hollywoodland. Stupid remakes, stupid uproar about stupid Suicide Squad (I'm seeing it anyway), and stupid news about stupid people nobody can care about. Specifically, I'm talking about Iggy Azalea. Iggy who? Oh yeah, come on - you remember her! The I-G-G-Y! She had a couple hits in 2014-ish, namely that hottt summer jam Fancy with everyone's girlfriend Charli XCX. And she guested on one of my fave J-Lo From the Block songs ever, BOOTY (peep that video though). And that Ariana Grande song but who da fuq cares. And then like a million and one homophobic and racial scandals followed, where she said dumb thing after dumb dumb thing. And she apparently owes a lot and a lot of money to the IRS. And we're not even getting into the cultural misappropriation of her white Australian girl in black southern hip hop drag act. People wanted her to flat out disappear, and she kind of did, until this past week when Universal Cable Productions and Wilshire Studios signed Azalea to a first-look deal to produce "millennial-focused programming that focuses on topics ranging from social justice and tolerance to empowering young women." What the actual fuck? Social Justice? Tolerance? Empowering young women??? We're gonna learn tolerance and social justice from the garbage human who wasted time tweeting about seeing five black men arrested in front of a Popeyes? Young women are going to be uplifted by the person who claims to have a "ghetto ass" and refers to her chest as "fashion titties?" And then says anyone with larger breasts has "porno tits?" And who's also said that Mexican women have that "box body on lock?" I'm sorry...HARD PASS to all of this. Please don't give this woman an even bigger platform to potentially spew her asinine version of hate speech. Iggy is the worst, should pay her fucking taxes, then bloody get the effing eff out of America, deportation-style. This country already has enough idiot wonders as far as the eye can see. When Trump is talking about immigration reform, I sincerely hope he's talking about sending this hooha back to whence she came.
And in this week's Nepotism Report, Nancy Meyers' daughter is following in her momma's footsteps. Yep, she's gonna be a terrible director too, y'all! She wrote and will direct a feature film entitled...wait for it...Home Again. Jesus. Is this a movie about a bestie dog and cat who get abducted from their comfortable suburban home, dropped at a kill shelter, only to break out and figure out how to get home only with their keen senses of smell? (Answer: no). And Reese Witherspoon, who hasn't made an enjoyable film since Legally Blonde (one, not that second piece of trash) is said to be starring in it. Of course. The Variety article even has the audacity to explain "Nancy Meyers played a major part in getting the script into Witherspoon's hands." No shit, Variety. I may be a dummy but I know how these things work, and Nancy Meyers' Daughter (I'm not even gonna type her name because who fucking cares) sure as hell wouldn't have lined up Sweet Home Alabama all by her damn self. I haven't even told you the plot, which sounds like the premise for a truly awful Hallmark Movie Channel original that I would totally watch: "Home Again follows a recently separated mother of two whose new life in Los Angeles is overturned when she decides to take in three young, charismatic guys." I JUST VOMMED INTO MY MOUTH. THREE TIMES. CHARISMATICALLY. Between this and remake after insufferable remake and Iggy "Not Racist" Azalea getting a tv deal, I think we can safely say The Rapture is coming much sooner than we thought. Maybe Kirk Cameron was right.