Directed by Taika Waititi (2017)
by Jaime Davis, The Fixer
It's been a really rough few days/weeks/months/years for me. I guess for everyone, but I'm the one writing right now so I choose to selfishly focus on myself. And what I would like to talk about is...ME. I think it's ok to prioritize ourselves sometimes, especially during times of crisis, and this, my friends, unfortunately, be one of those times.
Things have been especially tough for me as of late for a variety of reasons. There's neverending buckets of job stress, and family stress, and sometimes cat stress because my cat demands (D E M A N D S) to be fed and petted at all hours of the mothertrucking day and night. And managing all this stress becomes a big old cycle of shit, cause you know, some days you can't deal and all you wanna do is UberEats some nugs from McDonald's and couch your shit all night but once you've done that a few times in one week, you can feel - like lit-er-all-y feeeeeel your arteries clogging up on themselves so then you stress out about getting healthier and finally taking that hip hop or nu metal yoga class or whatever it is your friend's always asking you to go to and putting down the phone to express order dinner delivery. And then you mentally calculate how much of your hard-earned stress money from your stress jobs you've spent on greaseball trash food, so then you have a mini freak out about being poor for the rest of your godforsaken worrisome lil' life so you obsessively stalk the Credit Karma site, weeping over your credit score and constantly refreshing the "Recommendations for you" tab. And that...is just no way to live, you know?
But I haven't even gotten to the worst part. Because I'm going through a break-up, too. As if all that regular life clusterfluffery wasn't enough, I am in the midst of breaking up with someone and I can't even talk about it. Well, I mean I am - going to, right now. And it's not like, with just any old person. I mean she's...dangerous. And frightening. And thank the gods we don't live in a community property state like California cause I know she'd take half of everything I have, which isn't a lot, but still, she's just the type of petty who would do that petty ass shit. And like, if you met her, you would be like, Jaime, honey, what were you thinking? This woman would slaughter babes on alien planets for shits and gigs, or like totally murder an army of gorgeous Valkyries just because she could. And I would say back to you, honey, she's already done those things.
Because I was in a relationship with Hela, the Asgardian goddess of death.
I know, I know - you're all face-palming yourselves right now. How do you think I feel? Am I really that stupid? What WAS I actually thinking?
It started innocently enough - she'd been locked away for a loooong ass time, by her dad supposedly; like who wouldn't be majorly fucked in the head because of that? She felt abandoned by her own family, lonely as fuck, and wanted to get back into proper Asgardian society...so she could burn it to the goddamn ground and stomp on its ashes for the rest of her days. Red flag? I felt for her, I really did. But worst of all, I thought I could save her. I thought I could rehabilitate her. Her remaining family members, Thor and Loki, well, she had it out for them as well. It's all she could fucking talk about all the fucking time! I convinced her to play nice with others, like make some friends, woman! But her idea of making friends was bringing poor Skurge, Heimdall's replacement as gatekeeper of the Bifrost Bridge, into her evil fold. Man oh man was Skurge out of his depths on this one. He tried to be part of her club, but ultimately wasn't as dark-hearted as all that. Ugh, Skurge - dude, what is wrong with us?
Dear lort in heaven, I tried everything to make it work between us. I moved into the palace on Asgard because I felt she needed a strong support system. It was cool for...oh, like a minute. I made myself silly cooking and cleaning so that whenever she came home from a long day of pillaging and ruling and evil-ing, shit was in its right place. I spent hours agonizing over my appearance, making sure I wore things she said she liked, making sure I looked tight and right. We went to therapy together, twice. (Shitshow. She didn't like the doc and banished her to Jotunheim. Christ.) I even watched her fave shows with her (Hannibal, How to Get Away with Murder, but never that "pedestrian Game of Thrones" as she called it), and binged things she'd missed while she was locked away, like the entire Sex and the City series. I even sat through both SATC movies, even though I know how fucking terrible they both are, but that's love, you know? THAT'S LOVE.
I mean, it's mostly my fault I stuck around for so long. She just looks so damn good in that damn green jumpsuit. (Seriously, who looks like that? Shit ain't right.) And I have a thing for boss bitches, it's my weakness. No matter how mad I'd get when she'd be a moody lil' B stomping around the palace all broody and pouty, if I so much as looked at her I'd turn into a Jaime Puddle of sappiness and teddy bears and heart emojis. Pathetic!
Until that horrible day when Thor and Loki returned to Asgard to take her down and stuff, and well, Hela wasn't havin' it. In her supreme rage-y-ness, she sent them, and me, to a far away trash planet, but not before leaving a Post-it note for me on the kitchen table spelling it all out. In her chicken scratch scrawl (seriously, her handwriting is beyonddd illegible) she wrote: "I'm sorry, I can't, don't hate me."
Like what the actual fuck, Hela? Not only do you break up with me via Post-it, but you don't even take the time to write your own message - you just quote that awful Post-it break-up scene from the worst season of Sex and the City?? (I told you - petty). And THEN YOU BANISH ME TO PLANET SAKAAR WHERE PEOPLE BASICALLY LIVE IN GARBAGE? FUDGEEEEE UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU HELA, FUDGE YOU.
And so I've been hanging out here for awhile now, biding my time, trying to get my life together, but it's hard, y'know? Not a word from Hela in like a month, not so much as an Instagram like or nothing. I knew she was cold, but damn, girl, damn. And things have been ok on Sakaar. I mean this planet looks and feels a lot like both Guardians of the Galaxy movies, like even the clothes and stuff are almost straight copies? But hey, whatever people are into, right? I got a job for the Grandmaster, and he's a pretty important dude, so that's cool. Thor and Loki were skulking around for awhile and we'd grab drinks from time to time. Thor was actually a gladiator and fought the Hulk a bit so it was fun to watch them in action. And I kinda started seeing this Asgardian Valkyrie who knew Hela from way back when so we kinda bonded over our mutual hatred. Oh no, I know what you're thinking. It's not serious or anything...we're taking it slow. Nah it's not like that! It's real chill. Anyway, she and Thor and Loki and the Hulk had to go back to Asgard for a bit - some Hela business they have to sort out or whatever. Come on, give me some credit! I need to figure out my mess, get in touch with Jaime, you know? Seriously, trust me, I have way too much personal shit on my plate right now to get into a serious relationship with another Asgardian. I've totally learned my lesson.