Directed by Daniel Espinosa (2017)
by Benjamin Leonard, Francis Friel, and Rosalie Kicks
Benjamin Leonard, Best Boy: Guys. Life is shit.
I guess we can call this a science-fiction movie because there's not a shred of science fact. I'm all for the suspension of disbelief, but there's just not enough clothes-pins to go around. This is supposed to be an elite team of science professionals from around the world and it takes them two-thirds of the movie to figure out that if you stop giving air, food and water to a carbon-based life form it'll die?!? Come THE FUCK on!!!
Rosalie Kicks, Old Sport: This movie is not about SCIENCE! It is actually a re-telling of Titanic in SPACE! This ship is going down, guys. No one is getting out alive. There aren't enough lifeboats for everyone and we gotta make choices. These decisions make Jake G sad. Or maybe he is sad because he didn't get cast in that supporting role like Ryan Reynolds. Why does Ryan always get the best parts? Maybe it is because everyone thinks he has the best American accent around?
Francis Friel, The Projectionist: The first thing they should've done was cut off all their hands, stick em in a lifeboat, and call it a day. The alien (Calllllviiiinnnn!!) just wants to break all their hands.
A big mucus flower bug that wants to break hands comes onboard your spaceship, you don't let it. Hide your hands. That's rule number one. Rule number two is: be friends with the writers of whatever sci-fi movie you happen to be in, like Reynolds. You get a great extended cameo, good lines, and you're done shooting in three days. Get in, get out.
Benjamin: Rule three: Don't wake people up from naps. They get PISSSSSSSY! This all could have been avoided if they just let Calvin keep snoozing away.
Rosalie: Am I the only one that thought Calvin was cute until he got a face? Why did he need a face? The crew kept insisting Calvin shouldn't be able to do this or that. They were wrong. They were always wrong. I stopped listening to them. They didn't matter. Calvin can do anything. Anything he puts his mind to. He was slithering all around the ship and breathing in SPACE. Nothing he couldn't do: except take a nap and open doors.
Francis: Calvin can do anything. Truly a renaissance squid.
I think this movie was written after the writers couldn't kill a particularly big and nasty spider in their basement one night. Cause that's what it kept reminding me of during the Ryan Reynolds freak-out scene. IMDb trivia doesn't mention anything about the writers' basements, though.
Benjamin: It's true. Calvin was the hero of this picture. He's 100% muscle, 100% brains and 100% eyes. He can even break the laws of math.
Everyone else hates the earth and didn't want to go back anyway. Calvin is coming and he's gonna clean house. I can't wait. Calvin 2020!
Rosalie: Don't forget: 100% Buddy.
Calvin - the squiddy with a face, has won the hearts of millions. I hope he isn't typecast into slasher flicks or strictly deemed a "sci-fi guy." I think there is real potential for our lil' buddy. He is going places. The world needs a Reynolds/Calvin rom com flick. How gutsy of the director to have his starring role go to a squid. I guess this is why Danny gets to do all the pointing on set; he realized: Calvin is the way of the future.
Francis: There were a lot of gutsy moves from Calvin, for example: breaking all those hands, looking like a snot flower, and driving without a license. Calvin is gonna pop up again, for sure. I just read he's up for the lead in Baywatch 2 (D The R Johnson's contract only called for one lead appearance.) But if he's smart he'll stick on the winning team and get involved in the X-Films, maybe even cross over into Marvel territory. He could play Venom's little brother.
Either way, big things in store. Come in with the Calvin.