Welcome to this week’s installment of Can’t Care, Moviejawn’s weekly roundup of all the entertainment news we just can’t care about.
Jaime Davis, The Fixer
Brad and Angelina...Bangelina...Brange...Brangelina...Jolie-Pitt...J-Pitt...Mr. & Mrs. Smith...blah blah blabbity blah...
Whatever the fuck you want to call these two, word is they're getting D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D. So why in the everlasting heck is errybody flipping their wigs about it? People get divorced. All the time. I'm getting divorced. You're getting divorced. WE ALL GETTING DIVORCED.
According to TMZ (come on, gimme a pass on this one) Angelina was FUCKING FED THE FUCK UP with Brad's apparent substance abuse problems (weed and alcohol) and anger management issues. And now the FBI is spending man power, time, and money possibly investigating a child welfare incident involving Pitt and his children on a private flight from France to LA? Is this typical of the FBI? But anyway. There are just too many stories going around now, too much speculation. We have to stop and think for a second: some of their kids have to be old enough to know what THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD is saying about the implosion of their parents' marriage. As a child of divorce several times over, I can't imagine what they're going through, having to deal with this on a worldwide stage. Can we all collectively shut the fuck up? No one knows a relationship except for the two people in that goddamn relationship. The rest of us: we know fuck all.
And don't even get me started on that asinine Jennifer Aniston New York Post cover. Yes, the New York Post is a rag. Yes, the people involved in running that are garbage humans. We can all do better. Let's do better.
What pisses me off the most is the sheer force with which this story knocked the wind out of our current news cycle and swiftly removed any traces about the terror suspect caught in New Jersey and New York and then later, all but buried news about the police-involved shootings in Charlotte and Tulsa. Can we not deal with the shit that's really important in this country? So not, apparently.
Francis Friel, The Projectionist
Fixer, we're giving you a pass on TMZ. But the truth is I can't even name a specific source on where I first saw this news, since it's just fucking EVERYWHERE. And it's gross. And bonkers. And at least two articles I came across featured a pic of Jennifer Aniston along with it. What the heck? Is this her story? Does she want to be dragged into this new hell? Do WE?
These goddam news media outlets are killing themselves to report this shit and as a result dominate news feeds, Facebook feeds, everything in sight. But folks... Why?
Not only does this story have no content, it has no CONTEXT. Are we gonna have to now learn every fucking detail of this thing? And once we do, are we even going to retain it? If it turns out Pitt (or Jolie) were abusive in some way are we going to stop going to their movies? Do we even go to them now? Sean Penn tied Madonna to a chair and tortured her for days. Bill Murray beat up his wife. Polanski. Singer. Allen. The list goes on. We can never "really know" what happens between people. Only Cosby has inspired the kind of outrage from the public that you'd think would be the average but no, we let most people off the hook.
And I'm not even speculating on what went on with these two. I CAN'T CARE. But will the media that reports on these fuckers because they are Beloved Cultural Icons stick around if something darker than they expected should come up? I fucking doubt it.
And I agree, Fixer. The out of control news spiral that spooled this thing all over the place has completely buried that Flint is still drinking poison, North Carolina has no gas, and people keep getting murdered by the police. Fuck Bangaloosa.
Rosalie Kicks!, Old Sport
Guys. I have no idea what in the hell you two are talking about. Are these clowns in motion pictures? What is the last pile they were in? Are they seriously actors?
I can't recall anything worthwhile that these two have contributed to motion pictures in the past decade...possibly even my lifetime. When it comes down to it your favorite Old Sport just can't care in the slightest what these two are doing...ever. These two have always seemed like we should be so god damn honored to have them in a moving picture. That we should be so god damn thrilled to see them stand around and say some words. Christ guys, making movies is your job and frankly you haven't even done it that well. Now you throw this "news story" out there and want me to care...I don't even know who these people are. Are they even people?
Hollywood relationship drama has never been my bag. Unless we are talking about Bogie & Bacall or Vivien & Larry. If I have to choose: I always choose DEAD. Dead people are far more interesting than these clowns. Who cares that they are getting divorced. People have stated: it is an end of era....seriously? The human race has lost their god damn marbles. It's not like movies will cease to exist now that these two have decided to call it quits. One could only hope they make the same decision regarding their acting. Do we really need a Maleficent 2? NO. Do we really need another World War Z? NO.
Point is guys: These two. NO. I don't care if they are together or severed...nothing about these two is drawing me to a film not now, not ever. As far as I am concerned there are very few actors/actresses at the present time drawing me to see something. Dead is the right choice. Dead is the only choice. Hail satan!
Side note: Tommy C vs. Brad Pitt in Interview With a Vampire ---- Tommy C. all the way: Lestat is my pal.