Directed by Gore Verbinski (2016)
by Rosalie Kicks, Old Sport
Dear Academy Award-winning Uncle Gore,
Hey! Thought I would drop ya a line while I am sitting in bumper to bumper traffic on California’s infamous 405. Your latest flick, A Cure for Wellness, really inspired me to take a little trip to Hollywood. Didn’t even worry about packing a grip, just hit the ground running right after the credits rolled. Gonna knock on some doors, slam my fist on a few tables and maybe knock some heads around. Old sport, I seriously can’t fathom it: these bozos gave you another chance. They gave you the honor of making a film.
A film that is two hours and twenty six minutes in length. A Cure for Wellness is two hours and twenty six minutes. Christ, that’s a long time. I could see if you had some meaning or purpose, or even some super rad car chase to show us. But reallllllly ask yourself: did you ever have anything? Hollywood 101, old sport: never forget the importance of an editor. Is there a shortage of them in Hollywood? I have been seeing a lot of films lately that just seem to have no end in sight. A lot of films that would benefit from a snip snip. Listen though, I have to admit A Cure did have some nice looking camera work. Your cinematographer must have gotten some great material for his reel. So not all was lost. He will work again. Your fate is more questionable. Probably, around the 90 minute mark is where I really questioned it. Each additional minute ticking by, your career in Hollywood coming closer to ending and the rage within me growing stronger.
Frankly, I never thought it would be you. I more expected it to be someone like M. Night Shyamalan, to push me over the deep end. Let’s face it, you’re kinda like the drunk Uncle of Hollywood…just blindly churning out garbage film after garbage film. We (the filmgoers) just shrug our shoulders and say: oh that Uncle Gore, he can’t help it. He drank too much rum while making those pirate romps with Johnny. He doesn’t really know what he is even doing anymore. (Remember The Lone Ranger?)
Two hours and twenty six minutes is a lot to ask of someone though. Especially, for a “thriller” that was not sold honestly to audiences for what it really was: an absolute vile mess. Now that I think about it, the trailer makes absolutely no sense. This probably was done on purpose. Well-played Hollywood. If people knew what this thing was actually about…welllll, who are we kidding: is anyone going to see this thing anyways? Probably not. There are so many other films to watch.
I pondered this film for days. Wondering how a story like this was even brought to life? Wondering if I will ever step foot into the cinema again? Seriously, convinced Hollywood is indeed dead. Really though, how did you cook this thing up: A young executive, played by Dane DeHaan, goes to a mysterious spa in Switzerland to save his boss. A spa that no one returns from. (Serious question: How does anyone find out about the spa if they never return from it?) The young exec is kept there against his will and spends the entire time hobbling around attempting to get off the island…oops I mean get out of the institute. Meanwhile, he uncovers this entire plot that Jason Issacs has been scheming for hundreds of years: to pull a Donald Trump, sleep with his daughter and give birth to the most pure human entity. All the while using the patients as test subjects.
I realized I answered my own question: you simply just watched a bunch of movies. You then took your favorite ones and hacked together your own abominable version. I took the liberty of compiling a list of the films that totally influenced A Cure:
The music: as heard in Rosemary’s Baby.
The production design/color scheme: as seen in Shutter Island and The Matrix.
DeHaan’s acting: as seen in The Matrix.
Jason Issacs’ walk: as seen in Terminator.
Your reminder, to keep it GOTH: Supporting actress of your film’s name, Mia GOTH.
A token deer just wandering about: what happens after you binge watch Hannibal.
There’s no need to get upset though. I am sure you will work again. Hollywood never seems to learn from their mistakes. They will continue on thinking there is no one out there ready and able to make films. They will go on pretending that they still don’t know who Lynne Ramsay is. They will deny knowledge: Lone Ranger…never happened. You’ll get another shot. Another chance to really show us what you’re made of. Another opportunity to leave us all questioning: Wow. Did he really put THAT on film?
Everyone’s favorite old sport, Rosalie Kicks