Welcome to this week’s installment of Can’t Care, Moviejawn’s weekly roundup of all the entertainment news we just can’t care about. This week's target: the Oscars. Because snooze.
Rosalie Kicks, Old Sport
Hollywood, you are a shit show.
Who would entrust Beatty to do anything at this point? Who let Mel Gibson in? Does anyone even know what in the actual fuck is happening anymore? Hollywood has lost it's mind. The only thing that made sense: Moonlight winning Best Picture. Or did it? Who knows. No one will know. The envelopes. Those damn envelopes. How hard is it to keep these envelopes straight? How do you mess this up? Why weren't there more cut aways to Michael Shannon? So many questions. So much pacing around, rocking back n' forth with questions: Is Hollywood even relevant at this point? When will the Affleck dynasty just end? Is Chazelle really going to make more films? Is he actually wearing his own face? How is Jimmy Kimmel still working? Do we really live in a place in which Suicide Squad won an Oscar but Buster Keaton didn't? Ugh. Can't Care.
At least we are living in a world with this old sport.
Jaime Davis, The Fixer
with special guest Bethany Schell
By 8:42pm, I was ready for sleepy times (note: the telecast started promptly at 8:30). And then Mahershala Ali won Best Supporting Actor for Moonlight and I promptly woke the fuck up. Here were my highs and lows of the evening, featuring my friend and watch-buddy, Bethany Schell.
- E!'s entire red carpet coverage. You're basic. Give up.
- Jimmy Kimmel. His jokes about the complexity of Mahershala Ali's name, no one watching Isabelle Huppert's Elle (not true?), Hidden Figures, Trump, Mel G., an innocent Asian girl's name (saying it wasn't real) - just torrible.
- Colleen Atwood wins ANOTHER Oscar. Ok, cool. I mean she's talented and stuff. But then she was all "Sting told me I was gonna win an Oscar tonight har har chuckle chuckle aw shucks, but I didn't believe him." Ughhhh. Sit down, Judy!
- The moment when Sting, or as my friend Ronnie called him, Stang, snoozed his way through one of the Best Original Song nominees. 😴😴😴
- All the political statements made, including that over-the-top New York Times commercial. We're fucked. We get it. You have money. And power. And a collective voice. Duly noted.
- Suicide Squad wins a motherfucking Oscarrrrrrr for Best Makeup and Hairstyling. Haters gonna hate but I dunno...something just feels right about this to me. I think Puddin' agrees.
- The moment during JT's "rousing" opener when the camera cut to a hulking Michael Shannon *slightly* bobbing along to the beat. I need a gif of that pronto!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- When they brought the tour bus in...Gary and his fiancée and Yullary (Yuilary?) and Patrick and Shelley and all of the other folks - that was actually pretty precious. And give Gary and his future wife a show, y'all.
- That part when Seth Rogen name-checked Back to the Future as one of his fave films, and mentioned how weird Doc Brown was but like if you saw Tilda Swinton wearing the same exact outfit, you wouldn't think it was weird at all. Tilda is my forever queen so this was a highlight for sure.
- The moment when an actual Tilda Swinton showed up on screen reading a tweet about herself and a dog that apparently looks just like her.
- All the awards for Moonlight. Bless you Barry Jenkins and Tarell Alvin McCraney. Bless you, Academy.
- Javier Bardem loves The Bridges of Madison County.
- I REPEAT: JAVIER BARDEM LOVES THE BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY.
Benjamin Leonard, Best Boy
Fuck you Academy. Fuck you very much.
I have a strong feeling that the Best Picture mess last night was a PR stunt by The Academy to create buzz, make the awards seem relevant and create a vindication scenario after a series of continual white-washings.
I'm fucking thrilled that Moonlight won. It should have won more, but you take what you can get. The part that pisses me off is that they put the most marginalized film in the position of being knocked to the ground one more fucking time just to pull it back up. They wanted it to create this big celebratory "we have overcome" moment in order to cover up all of their past bullshit and I'm just not having it.
Not to mention, they propped up the corpse of Warren Beatty to pull off the entire scam. That's a terrible choice for this role. That guy can't fucking act anymore! Did you see Rules Don't Apply?!? Don't! It was horrendous. It was an embarrassment. And then 20th Century Fox has the balls to send me a notice letting me know they are releasing it on DVD tomorrow? No. Fuck you. Don't even waste your time thinking about. Forget I mentioned anything and just go watch Moonlight again (or for the first time if you are unfortunate enough to have not seen it).